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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Our New Pests

I am a nice person, and I am very easy to get along with.  But I have been pushed beyond lines I may not be able to return.  I have always seen myself as a person that don't judge too much and I never look down on people that have less then I. 

With that being said, I must talk about my new neighbors.  These are a different kind of people that I would have never thought to be out there.  When people make fun of people from Georgia, I always blew it off.  I have hung with people from Georiga, I have talked with them and I will be the first to tell you that, all the jokes, are a sterotype...thats all.  Even with my new neighbors I will still stick to my words, and will not judge all Georgia people on these neighbors behalf.  But...

Since the day these people have moved in, we have had nothing but trouble and it seems the longer they are here, the more we learn.  Even though, I don't wanna know ANY MORE!

The very first day they were here, I told you before, they asked me for my internet password so they could connect to the internet.  Mind you, they didn't ask if they could...they just said, "Let me have your internet password."  They have since, borrowed cigarettes, tools and my kids.  They Karaoke everyday.  I don't mind Karaoke...infact I love it.  And even if people can't sing, I enjoy to watch it.  As long as that same bad singer isn't up at the mic for 5 hours at a time.  Yes, 5 hours a day this 22 year old is on the mic.  Now, to get away from the noise I have to close my windows in this nice weather of 72 degrees.  This still does not drown out the sound, unless he closes his windows too.  We are down in a valley and all us neighbors are spread out but close.  We were coming down our driveway, that connects all the homes and the neighbor at the front of the driveways stopped us and asked us how we deal with all the noise coming from the new people.  THEY HEAR IT UP THERE!

Timmy, is what they call the boy...but again I refuse to call a grown man anything that ends with a y...So Tim comes over last night and sits outside to talk to my husband.  He just breaks loose and tells my husband everything.  Everything that we should know and enough to keep our kids away from him from now on.  He told my husband how he smokes weed on a daily basis from a pipe, told my husband that he wanted to buy some of his pain pills, and that he knew what they were as soon as he say my husband take one.  My husband not thinking that anyone would think anything of it.  Then his uncle Tom"my" comes over and starts talking about all the stuff we have.  Said my husband has every tool a man could want, wanted to know how expensive our TV was, how many pills does my husband take and does he have extra, on and on and on.

Then today they come over while we are outside and they just come over...and stand.  Stand watching us.  Then walks to our back yard and starts looking around.  I don't know how to handle this.  My husband gave Tom a haircut the other day, and then when My husband refused to cut his beard, he took offense to it, and went home and told his nephew Tim that Rob was being rude to him.  Now mind you again, this man don't look like he has bathed in a month.  His hair was really really nasty and Rob just could take it anymore to do his beard too.

Now we have been friendly, and just down right nice.  And now I am afraid of only after a week they have taken it for a weakness.  I now have to do something that I am not comfortable doing...being a mean person. 

B

Saturday, February 26, 2011

No...

I am not going to blog today.  Not really up to it.

B

Friday, February 25, 2011

An Apology

Dear Daddy,

I must write an apology letter to someone as part of my goals and I am going to write it to you.  This letter is long over due.

I have a lot to say to you Daddy and a lot of things to apologize for.  This is going to be very hard for me so please bare with me. 

The first thing I need to apologize for is not being the perfect daughter.  So many times I could have tried harder, could have done more. 

I need to also to apologize for this next thing and explain because I know you don't understand.  I am sorry for staying away and not calling you.  I know you don't know why really and I am not sure I can explain it right but I am going to try.

Daddy I know you have probably heard that I stay away because of how Mom feels about my husband, but I am telling you now daddy, that isn't true.  Lord knows, you have probably heard a lot worse then that, and I can pretty much tell you none of it is true.  I don't come around or call anymore because three of my siblings have said and done some pretty awful things that I can't forget.  I have tried so hard Daddy, I really have.  And even though I forgive them and mama, I still hurt from it all.  Let me break it down like this.

Daddy when my daughter did what she did, it tore my whole life apart.  It hasn't since, nor will ever be the same.  A part of me has died Daddy.  I have tried every spell in the book to make it live again, and I have failed.  Mama and three of my siblings helped kill a part of me.  Daddy none of them told the truth when it needed to be said.  Sure they all said sorry afterwards and they all said they didn't believe her AFTERWARDS, but by then it was just too late, the damage had been done.  And it is the fact that they still haven't told her they don't believe her.  They let her go on thinking that they believe her.  It's not right Dad.  The times that I have called, you were either in bed or I went through the hurt of mama never talking to me and just handing the phone over to you.  Never to ask me how I am.  Nobody from the family has once asked me how I am doing.  Dad it hurts, cause I am not fine, I am not even OK.  I am pretty messed up on the inside and nobody knows it but me.  I struggle everyday with it all.  On the outside, I smile and I go on as if nothing were wrong, but on the inside I ache, on the inside I want to lay down and never wake up. 

So I am sorry Daddy, it is nothing you have done. Hell I am positive you don't know even half of everything they have said and done.  Your illness don't allow you to remember a lot.  I am sorry I am not there for you.  I will forever hate myself for that, but to put it all behind me, I have to move on and not look back.  It sure is easier said then done.  Cause I miss you so.  You have been the only one in the family on my side my whole life.  You, daddy, are such a big part of who I am, and it is your goodness inside of me that DOES keep me going.  Your teachings, your life, your words always stay with me, within me.  There isn't a day that passes that you are not a thought to me.  I talk to you and Grand-daddy all the time.  At night, I pray that God let's you hear me.  Let's your heart feel the love I have for you. 

I know that you are very ill now.  In a large way I am thankful I am not there, so I can remember you as you were.  Please forgive me, please, so I can start forgiving myself...

Your namesake,
Billi

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Favorite Memory Two...

(My Grandpa..on my mother's side)

 I was blessed in this life to have a man in my life named...William Matheny.  This man was my grand-daddy and my best friend.  He was my favorite person in the whole world.  He was always the person I could talk to and he never told my parents anything I would say to him.

When I was 14 years old, I had a boyfriend who was 16.  He was my first real boyfriend.  Jerry and I started dating, and at first I couldn't go out with him without one of my siblings, but soon daddy trusted both of us enough to let us go out alone.  BIG MISTAKE.

Jerry thought that it would be a beautiful day to go out driving.  He had a little red Escort.  We got in the car and drove down the road away from the house and at the stop sign, Jerry asked if I would like to drive.  WOULD I EVER!  Although I heard that little voice telling me I shouldn't, the other little voice said, go ahead, it is all country roads and what is the worst that can happen.  Well, I was doing just fine until Jerry decided I should turn at a road that was coming up too fast.  He started yelling, turn here, hit the break.  I hit something alright, but it was the gas and we went flying off the road, into a ditch, over the ditch and straight into a telephone pole that soon was falling to the ground.  Did I mention that that telephone pole was inches from a bridge?  Scared out of my mind, Jerry tells me to switch him seats before anyone seen.  His little car was so messed up.  All he could think about was how his mother was going to kill him and I could think about was my daddy killing me if he ever found out.

We got back to my house and as luck would have it, the only person home was my Grand-daddy that lived in a little trailer out back of our trailer.  Jerry said that he had to come up with a way to get the car fixed without his mom finding out.  He knew his cousin would get it fixed but he didn't have the cash. (SIDE NOTE...THE BIGGEST SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE JUST WENT CRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF ME....AHHHHH) I am not exactly sure of how we found out how much it was going to cost, but I do remember who I had to talk to.

We went out to my Grand-daddy's little trailer and I stood there on the front step, hating to knock on his door.  I got the nerve up and knocked and he told me to come in.  He knew by the look on my face I was getting ready to tell him something he wouldn't like.  I explained the story to him and then I asked if we could borrow the money.  After a very long pause, and a look that could have sent me to my grave, he agreed.  He sat at his table and wrote him out a check, handed it to me and said the words I will never forget my entire life.  "Billi Sue...I am so disappointed in you.  I would have never thought you would have done something like this."

KILL ME NOW, put me out of my misery.  I have hurt my grand-daddy and he will never forgive me.  I would seriously rather have died.  Then I turned to walk out the door with my head hanging to the floor.  I opened the door and then he said, "We wont talk about this again, and there is no need for your parents to know."  What, was he serious, he wasn't going to tell them!  He did love me still cause he knew my daddy would have kicked my butt all the way to the next town.  I couldn't even get out a thank you. 

Years later, after my grand-daddy passed away, I asked my mom if he ever told her about a secret we had that involved Jerry.  She confirmed that he never had.  So I told her.  I said...Grand-dad never told you I wreaked Jerry's car and he gave us the money to fix it?  Again, only this time completely shocked, she said no, he never did.  I could only smile.  I explained it all to mom and she said, Billi, he took it to the grave with him. 

A man of his word and a man of the Bible.  Oh how I use to love to sit and listen to him read to me from it.  He read to me from a Bible he did his first sermon from.  The Bible that he told my mother was to be given to me if anything should happen to her.  The Bible I don't believe I will ever see now. 

How I miss him.  I have never found anyone else that could fill his shoes.  Nobody has ever listened to me like him. 

Grand-daddy, if you can hear me, hear my thoughts, I miss you so very much.  So many times I have wanted to talk to you, to run to you with things that hurt me so.  My heart still aches for you, I guess in a way it aches for me, because you are happy, and I am left here without you.  Even though I know why, I can't help sometimes to wonder why you left me here, alone.  I know if you were here you could fix everything and make it right.  Nothing has been the same since you left.  I still hear you in my mind and still see your smile.  After all this time you face has not faded.  I wish my kids could have met you, how different their lives would have been.  Thank you for being a part of my life, I don't think I ever told you that.  I can't wait to see you again, but until then, I see you when I dream again.

(Grandpa and Phillip..my little brother)

Billi Sue

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

For My Husband

Worst Cooks In America

I love to watch The Food Network.  I have so many favorites on there but I love Guy's Big Bite.  His style is so cool and I just love to watch him cook.  During the nighttime Food Network, I love Alton Brown's Good Eats.  I watch Rachel Ray, Paula Deen... so on and on.  But there is one chef that just turns my stomach to watch her cook...Anne Burrell. 

Anne just seems to be so sloppy when she cooks.  And the way she talks to the food kills me.  But, for some reason or another, I watch her.  I just can't turn her off cause I am always waiting to she what she will come up with next or what crazy, insane recipe she will cook.  She cooks things that I don't think I could ever put in my mouth.  I watched the other day and she cooked some kind of tail...really.  I like to cook and eat good food but never would I eat tail..of any kind.  Not knocking it, it may be good, not for me though.

She I have been following the show Worst Cooks In America.  The chef Robert Irvine and Anne Burrell take these people that seem to know nothing at all about cooking and turn them into, not chefs, but better cooks.  Each week there is a elimination until they are down to two cooks.  One on Robert's team and one for Anne's.  The chefs give the teams recipes that they would cook, and then the worst cooks have to prepare the meal.  It got down to Jorge and Josh...I refuse to call a grown man Joshy as they call him on the show.  They are cooking for judges to determine the winner and who has cooked the best.  To my shock and awe, Josh won...who is on Anne's team.  I couldn't believe it.  Chef Robert had a kick butt menu.  I guess it came down to the way Jorge prepared it.  So Josh won and chef Robert had to dye his hair blond.  Not a good look for him.

I absolutely love to cook.  There is not a better way on the planet to lose yourself and just take away all the stress.  I don't believe there is anything I hate about it.  I love the chopping, the dicing, the measuring...everything.  I am in no way a chef or pro...I am just a down home cook. 

The problem I have with cooking is my kids.  My children do not have a palette yet.  To them if I don't put pizza, hot dogs or hamburgers on the table, it isn't food.  My husband and I both love to try the new recipes I come across, but it is so hard to make two meals for a household.  I don't know how to make their taste buds blossom.  If I but onions in anything, my son is picking through his food digging them out.  I can't use peppers, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes or anything they feel is a veggie.  My daughter, a veggie, not even an option. 

So, I am on the journey to find recipes that I can hide what I put in it, that tastes good, and will completely throw my kids over the top.  Any ideas on how to get kids to eat right...I am all ears

B

Dear P...

Dear P...

Good morning my friend.  I don't know if you will ever read this, as I know you are not very computer swavy, but I just wanted to let you know that I just adore you.  I know that we are very close friends, but I sort of kind a think of you as a mother figure in my life. 

I think about your own daughter, and how much you do for her each and every day, and you do it all without a thank you from her.  You take care of her as a mother I have ever known to do to a woman of her age.  And I think to myself, how lucky she is to have a mother does it all for her. 

We talked on the phone last night and I just enjoyed myself so much talking with you.  I enjoy my P time.  You make me see things that I don't think of at the moment.  You open my eyes to things I see with eyes shut.  You help me with my spiritual side, you offer advise, strength and so much more. 

God has truely bless my life with the wonderful friend I have in you.  Thank you for being there...Unlike your daughter...I THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU!

Love you,
B

Monday, February 21, 2011

List Something Each Day I Am Thankful For

I will be adding to this daily throughout my list of goals...see Small Goals, Big Step.

Day One:
Today I am thankful for the warm weather.  Everyone has had such a bad, long and cold winter, and I am thankful that I am able to go outside, when such a large part of the North still has snow.  The weather has been up in the mid 60's or low 70's all week long.  When I am outside, I can't help but look around and notice all of the art work God has given us to look at.  Makes me wonder when I look at all these trees, birds, blue skies and even the irritating flies...How someone could doubt there is a God.  He speaks to us everyday, we just have to be still enough to listen.

Day Two:
I am thankful for those that love me.  Not those that just speak the "I love you" words..but those that say it and truly mean it.  You know the kind of people I am talking about.  I love you are three words that are thrown around so freely.  Anyone can say it, and it rolls off the tongue as easily as butter.  But then there are those people that show you they love you.  So saying I love you so often is not really important.  My husband and I tell each other daily we love each other...but if he didn't show it, I would have a hard time believing him.  And it isn't the big things they do, it is in the simple and smallest ways that really matter.  Like leaving the last Coke in the fridge for me even though he would like it.  Or looking over to see him watching me with a smile, or staying awake with me each night if I can't sleep so I am not lonely.  I am thankful of his love for me, the love my children have for me.  I am lucky enough to have 4 people in this world that love me, really love me, when so many people out there are still looking for one person to love them.

Day Three:
I am thankful I get to hear my children laughing.  So many days I hear nothing but fussing and fighting from my children.  But on those rare occasions when they are getting along, or when they are playing with their dad, I get to hear their laughs.  Not just laughs but true and genuine belly laughs.  And to see their eyes sparkle and shine from the tears in their eyes from laughing so hard, I will always remember.  When I hear their laughter, it makes me think that maybe I have done something right.  That I am taking them down the right path.  Makes me a happy, happy mommy.

Day Four:
I am thankful that I have lived in so many different places in my life.  Before I met my husband, I lived in one place my whole life...Ohio.  Since I have met him I have lived in Alabama, Indiana, Illinois, Florida and where we lay our heads now...in Georgia.  I have heard so many times that we have not done right by our kids moving around so many times...But you know what I say to that...my kids are well balanced because of it, my kids know they can fit in anywhere because of it, my kids have learned how so many other people live, my kids have seen that other kids long to do what they have done.  So, do I know if Georgia will be our last stop...who knows, but I do know that I wouldn't give it up or take back any of it.  We have had such fun times together in each of these places.  Things we couldn't have done if we were someplace else.  Those memories were so worth all the moving around.  My life isn't boring, it may not be perfect...but it's our lives!!!!

Day Five:
I woke today and was very thankful for my home.  Yes, we rent but, in today's economy I am thankful that we can afford rent.  So many today have had their homes ripped out from under them, it saddens me.  I may not have a perfect home filled with the best of everything, but I have a home full of love.  Thank you God for providing for my family once again. 

Day Six:
Plan and simple today... I am so very very Thankful that I made it home today from Atlanta, GA in one piece.  I am also thankful I don't live there!

Day Seven:
I am thankful today that I was able to get the flies that have envaded the outside of my home, to stay on the outside of my home.  We have a chicken farm over the mountain from us...and well the Health Department is going to be getting a call very soon.

Letters To God

Good afternoon my fellow 3 followers..lol.  Says I have three followers and they are friends and I don't even believe they read my blogs.  Is anyone out there reading this?...Guess it don't really matter if I am doing this for myself anyways.

So I kept my computer off all day yesterday, another goal.  I haven't done too bad with keeping up with my list.  I went outside the other day and cute Rob and Madi's hair.  And then we got new neighbors.  That worries me a bit because one of the people is a 22 year old male that wants to hang out with Mitch and Madi all the time.  His uncle explained that he has a mind of a 14 year old, cause he was hit by a car at age 5.  But still, it worries me a bit.

Last night I watched a movie with my family, well started a movie with my family and two fell asleep and the other went off to her computer.  So I guess I should say I finished a movie last night called, Letters To God.  This movie made me cry like I have not cried in years.  It is a true story about a little boy who has cancer and writes letters to God everyday.  The mailman picks them up and does good with them.  I wont go into full detail but I do suggest the movie to anyone wanting a heart felt, feel good movie.  It might actually help someone that is struggling with their faith.

So here it is, Monday, President's day and the kids are home.  Not much to actually do today although it is a warm day, but not too sunny.  With my lack of people skills, and well my extreme fear of people, going outside is hard to do for me now with new neighbors.  I liked it before...down here in this valley and nobody was around to bother us.  It has been 2 days now and the new people have asked for everything from buying Mitch's xbox, to asking for our Internet password.  I don't mind helping people out, in fact I enjoy it, but I wont be taken for granted like I did in Florida with my neighbors.  Even though I have a fear of people and don't like them too much, I still want to be liked so I always have a fear of being a bad guy.  I have a hard time saying no...so I had my husband do it..lol.

My fear has gotten so bad that, every time my door gets knocked on, I jump up and run to another room.  WHY IS THAT???  I hate that part of my life.  I was coming out of it when I was working, but now that I have been home helping with my husband, I have gotten back into my fear and this time I am afraid a little worse then before.  People are mean and cruel.  And everything that I went through with my family, I just figure if they can hurt me...anyone can, so I just stay away from everyone.  I don't know if people really understand how much words hurt.  I would like to give them the benefit of the doubt and say, no I don't think they really know, but my mind KNOWS they know what they say. 

I miss people though.  Like I miss my daughter, my husband's family, friends and even my family.  I want to go home for a visit, but I am sooo very scared to do it.  Wanting to see them is completely different then them wanting to see me.  This blog is going in the wrong direction so I am stopping now. 

But I do recommend the movie Letters To God.  It wouldn't hurt anyone to write their prayers down when they feel they need or want to speak with God.  he will place those letters in the right hands =D
Til next time my friends, peace, love and happiness to each and everyone of you!
B

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Favorite Memory One...

(Mama and Daddy)

I was raised with a strong and very old school hand.  My father was so strict that I remember so many times growing up that I said I hated my father time and time again.

(All of us...Plus some.  The 3 boys in back are my brothers and the 2 girls on bottom, my sisters and me)
One of the times that I hated my father was in the summer time.  During this time of the year my Daddy did something he loved, almost as much as each of his 6 kids.  He would grow a garden.  Not just a small little garden with tomatoes and corn.  This garden was a half of an acre in the back of our house.  It was the most beautiful garden around.  People would drive by it and take pictures because of all the color and size.  They would go on and on about how pretty it was, and how they wished they could grow a garden like that.  But I hated it.

(Daddy in Planning mode)

When it came time to plant, we just couldn't go out plant the garden.  Oh no, there was a system, a time to plant each and everything.  When it would come time to plant each thing, my Daddy would first till the ground..then he would run an old fashioned plow to make his rows.  As daddy would go down making the rows, one of us kids would go behind him throwing down fertilizer, the other kid would go behind and cover it a little, another kid would come down threw and drop the seeds, another would come along and cover the seeds with dirt.  Sometimes like with the squash, there wasn't rows, there was mounds and we would have to poke holes in the mound and fertilize and drop the seeds.  There was a job for each of us.  Sometimes I thought my Mama and Daddy only had 6 kids to help him in the garden.

Every morning my dad would get each of us kids up and tell us to get dressed and ready to go out to the garden.  Ahhh how I hated getting up, specially on the weekend.  From dawn til dusk we would be out in that garden.  Picking suckers from 15 rows of corn, weeds from 10 rows of green beans, pushing up the hills for the squash, all while being careful not to step on the watermelon and cantaloupe vines.  There was squash, corn, green beans, okra, cantaloupe, watermelon, cucumbers, carrots, caluiflower, tomatoes, potatoes, cabbage, lettuce, peas, onions and sweet potatoes.  We would weed each and every one of them.

(Daddy and Phillip with his first picked watermelon..he was so proud)

Watering was the worst, because it was so far behind our house.  But it was when we had to crawl under the house to hook up the hose each and ever time.  Daddy never let the water hose be kept on cause he was scared us kids would turn on the water and run the well dry.  Under the house was nothing but spiders and webs.  That is probably where my fear comes from today.

Then it was time for harvesting.  Now I had to admit this was a little more fun the weeding but all the same it was a job meant for a tractor instead of people.  Daddy had his system for this job too.  The onions get strung, the potatoes go in the bins in the garage, the corn either got canned or put in baggies.  And they all had to be shucked first.  THE WORST JOB EVER!  Have you ever tried to shuck 15 rows of corn.  Even with 6 kids a mom and dad it took days.  Every vine of beans had to be gotten and then canned.

Which brings me to the canning.  We were a family of 8, we lived in a trailer and our kitchen was the size of a normal bathroom, it was a tight fit.  While one would boil the jars and lids, another was bagging another veggie, another was helping mama, an so on.  Again, a job for every kid. 

One year my sister was so fed up she ran away when it came time to harvest and string the onions.  I hated her for that, cause one kid down may as well been 5 down.  She picked the perfect time to piss daddy off!

(My all time favorites of my Daddy.  Yep..he grew that!)

I hated it growning up.  But now as a mother, a wife and their daughter...and as a grown up I see how far we all have drifted apart...I can honestly say it was some of the best times of my life.  I now see that my Daddy did what he did to survive.  We were by no means wealthy with material items, but far more wealthy then the richest of men.  We never went hungry, we learned responsibility, we learned respect for what you own and pride from something we grew with our own hands.  We never fought in the garden, we worked as a team.  I so much wish we could all go back to that time.  Where I seen my brothers and sisters every day and hating seeing their faces.  The faces I long to see today.  I haven't seen my sisters for years and my brother I seen the last time in 2009.  My mama and daddy I haven't seen since then either.  Those were happier times.  As adults we let our emotions and our need to run our own lives come inbetween.  Things I wish I hadn't said, things I hope they wish they hadn't done.  My life as a kid truely was a happy little country song that I remember my family everytime I hear it...If the world had a front porch like we did back then. 

To end this... I just want to say that to this day I have not been able to grow a single thing garden or house plant.  Makes me know for sure that it wasn't I that grew the garden...it was my Daddy.

B

Friday, February 18, 2011

G

Dear G,

I made a list of short terms goal that I must complete for myself.  One of those goals is to write a Thank You note.  I chose to write it to you.

We have been friends for a very long time, since 2007!  You have been my longest and dearest friend.  We have cried together, we have laughed until we had to pee, and we have listened to each other vent time and time again. 

Even though we have never met in person, I don't think I have ever really thanked you for being that other voice on the other end of the phone.  I appreciate our conversations even when we don't really talk about anything at all.  I thank you for letting me not say anything at all if I am not up to it. 

I thank you for calling me every holiday just to wish me a Merry or Happy whatever the occasion may be.  I thank you for letting me be me.  I don't have to pretend I am someone I am not and you let me say whatever I feel, funny, stupid or serious.  I thank you for being yourself around me.  I thank you for trusting me with emotions.  I even thank you for the little snorts when you are laughing so hard you can hardly stand it. 

I can't wait to finally meet you and thank you in person.  Thank you for showing me that we don't have to meet face to face to be friends.  I never knew that you could be friends with a computer or a telephone or what does your mom say...Invisible friend...lol.  You became more then a screen or phone to me...thank you for being my friend, my sister, my Boo!  I couldn't imagine my world without my G.  I love you girlfriend!

Your Boo,
B

PS...I just read this back and even though I sound like a mad stalker..lol...I am not changing a word!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Number 12

One of my small goals said to go outside once a day.  So I am sitting here at a small little round table on my porch in the North Georgia Mountains with Mincie Mountain as my view.


Of course this picture was taken during the summer but looks the same, with less green.

My porch faces the mountain and woods.  It is a beautiful day...65 degrees today and sunny.  So I figure what a perfect day to sit outside and blog, and here we are.

I have my radio tuned on a country station and I am listening to this stuff they call country.  What is it with country music these days.  I grew up listening to it and I have to say, although I do love some modern country songs, the music isn't the same.  I mean come on...Taylor Swift?  When did singing about bubble gum and kitty cats country music?  Yes, I know she don't sing about those things but, she may as well.  I knew I was fed up with it all when Taylor Swift won out over Reba McEntire for female singer of the year.  If they would stop letting all the little kids vote, that wouldn't have happenend.

I love Reba.  I have grown up listening to her and I just adore her, but even her style has changed.  Yes I know times have to change and so does styles but it just seems what formed country has been forgotten in a lot of the singers today.

Welp, I guess I will go.  Not too much on my mind today.  Although I am thinking about the letters I promised myself I would write.  They are going to be tough goals to complete. At least I didn't say I would mail them =)

Have a beautiful and funtastic day
B

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Small Goals, Big Step

Here we are two months into the new year and I feel as if I haven't accomplished anything.  I have a problem making goals for myself just to fail at them.  Why set myself up for failure.  But to move on with my life and feel better about myself, I have to do it.  So I have made a small goal for myself to follow through with.  I have made a list of 20 things to do in 30 days.

1.  Make a blog post everyday.
2.  Stay away from my computer (except to blog) for one day a week.
3.  Hug my children at least once a day.
4.  Find 10 photos to make a series.
5.  Take a self portrait.
6.  Photograph a stranger.
7.  Write a letter.
8.  Do a random act of kindness.
9.  Tell myself "I LOVE YOU" everyday.
10. Write a Thank You note.
11. Write an apology.
12. Go outside once a day.
13. Take a hike to a place I haven't been yet.
14. Call an old friend.
15. Bake something hard.
16. Eat something I haven't had before.
17. Write about a favorite memory once a week.
18. Write something I am thankful for each day.
19. Make some sort of a video to post.
20. Have a bonfire with my family.

I will post an update as much as I can, may as well since I have to blog everyday, Right!  Wish me luck, my list starts tomorrow.  So until then,
B

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

When Did Teachers Stop Teaching

When I was in school they taught us the basics to get ready for college.  There was arithmetic, your basics and as complicated as it got was only touching on Algebra.  No details really just, again, basics.  And still I never learned that until my high school years.  Reading, of course, and you didn't even need to go any further with that in high school unless you signed up for High School Reading, which I did.  You had English, which they call Language Arts now.  A science class, a geography class or social studies..and no less then 2 study halls.

Children in today's schools have so much more to do then we had as kids.  Here is my son's day:
Math
Science
Language Arts
A computer class
Social Studies
Gym

Each semester the computer class changes.  First it was a cooking class, then Health, and next semester it will be Art.

Notice there is no Study Hall, for one.  I remember that if it wasn't for Study Hall, most of my afternoon homework wouldn't have gotten done.  Notice there is only, ONLY, 6 classes a day.  When I was in school I had no less then 8 a day.  Each of his classes are 90 minutes each.  When I was in school, I believe they were only 45.  And in those 45 minutes they taught us each lesson and we would even do classroom work.  Then we would get assigned a homework lesson and go on about our next class.

My son is smart, now I am not only saying this cause he is my son, but because it is true.  He blows my mind.  His vocabulary is that of a dictionary and he can talk me under the table using words I don't even know.  But, in Math class, you may as well be teaching him in a different language.  According to him and his teacher, she goes over the lesson, does some class work and then gives them homework.  Good deal, right.

My son comes home from school and he pulls out his Math homework, and it never fails for me to hear, "Mom, I need help with this."

I ask him if the teacher taught him the lesson.  He always says yes, but with, "but she goes so fast I don't ever get it."  I ask, do you ever ask questions.  His reply, yes but she always says she don't have time to go back over it, watch the video.

WATCH THE VIDEO...excuse me...A VIDEO!  I am sorry but are you not the one in my son's classroom and are you not the one that TEACHES him, as your name is called TEACHER.  You Teacher that is getting a paycheck each week to TEACH my son.

Example of how this pisses me off.  My son comes home the other day with Algebra that I myself have never seen before.  I told him I would try to help him but I don't know how to do it myself.  He and I sit for hours working together, and I with my simple mind, don't get it.  I just don't get it.  Didn't get it in college, don't get it now.  So I write his teacher a note.  I explained to her that I don't have the skills to teach him, for I don't understand it.  I further explain that he needs help and ask if she could go over it again with him during lunch or gym.  She writes me a kind letter back and tells me her time is limited, which I understand, and that she can't do as I ask.  She gave me a web site that goes over the lesson that the Math book has in it. 

This is fantastic, I think.  I can go to the Math book website and I can learn it myself, cause this is the man that wrote the book.  I go to the website all settled into my chair and I am excited.  I go to the lesson he is on...and there before me..is a man with a marker and a white board.  He goes over the exact, I do mean the EXACT wording the book has.  Same work, same words, I learn nothing new that the book already said.  How disappointing this is to me.  I am heart broken because I can't help my son.  I begin to cry.

My crying turns to anger.  That is when i realized, this isn't my fault.  It is his teacher's fault, and I will go further then that, it is the Governments fault.  Every night my son and daughter have their share of homework.  I was always told, never do homework for more then an hour, and teachers have even told me all their homework should only take about 15 minutes.  LIE!  My son leaves for school at 6:20am and gets home at 4:00 pm every day.  When he gets home he has a snack and gets started on homework at least by 5 but no later then 6:00.  He is on his homework until at least 9:00, no lie! 

Now, I understand that the laws of No Child Left Behind is that they are turning up the notches at school and they are learning more.  My 7th grader is learning things now that my 8th grader hasn't even learned yet.  So I know they are demanding more from kids today.  But here is my argument.  DON'T ADD LESSONS THAT THE TEACHER DON'T HAVE TIME TO TEACH THE KIDS.  Simple.  If a teacher don't have time to teach the children, and more importantly, make sure they understand it...then don't add it.  And by hell, don't send them home to the parents and tell them to watch a video.  I will help my child in any way shape or form that I can.  I have helped every night with homework.  But now, the homework is getting too hard for me, the parent.  If I wanted to do your job, I would have went to school for it.  I don't mind helping but I do mind teaching.  I have so many other things to teach my child that is nobody's responsibility but mine.  That is why I am called MOTHER, not TEACHER.

When my child tells he teacher he still don't understand, he is a class clown, he don't pay attention and blames him.  Them not stopping to think for one moment, that my son is not just not paying attention, he has lost interest because he don't understand.  And no matter how many ways he asks for help, it is always the same answer.  When did the teacher stop teaching, when did teachers stop caring if the child is having trouble.  Most importantly, when did THE NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND, start leaving children behind.

Monday, February 14, 2011

When Things Are Just Too Important Not To Write Down

I have a problem inside me that is not visible to the naked eye.  It is a problem that many people have and they have given it many names.  Insomnia, stress, restlessness...I call it insanity.

When I bought my bed, I had to have it because it was the most comfortable, biggest size and most beautiful bed I had ever seen.  That's what I use to see.  Now I see it as a curse, a slab of concrete and a torture device.

I go through my day like any normal person would.  I get up like I slept like a rock, get my children off to school, clean my house, run my errands, cook dinner, help the kids with homework, clean again and then get ready for bed.  When I finish my nice relaxing bath at night, I put on my jammies, brush my teeth, brush my hair and then I stand at my door looking at my enemy and KNOW that I will win this war tonight. 

By the end of my night, my body is tired, it is beat down and it is completely listless.  Nothing can keep me from the sweet release that sleep will give me.  I head into battle with guns blazing.  I have a made bed, I have my drink on the end table, clock turned around my sleeping pills that do no good and a nice book just in case.  I draw down the blanket, fluff my pillow, twirl around, lay down nice and gentle, snuggle in and close my eyes.

By three in the morning I am still awake and now with a head full of everything from bills to Loony Tunes.  How does the mind do it.  It is completely full of useless information that will pop up in the head in a moments notice.  I will think about bills one minute and how we are going to make it into the next month, and the next minute I am remembering watching a stupid movie once with Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny.  Which in return can only begin me thinking on how the two things are similar that it would make my mind relate the two.  Which then brings me to wondering what on Earth can be wrong with my mind, am I going insane, but then if I go insane who will care for my children, and will they come and see me in the crazy house or forget me.  Would my husband find a new wife they would call mama.  Then on to if my husband ever remarried I will haunt him for the rest of his miserable little pathetic life.  Oh how could I think that way about the man I love so dearly for all the days of my life.  But if he loved me why would he be thinking of remarrying. And so on and so on.  By this time it is now five in the morning and ready to start the day anew by getting up the children for school.
I have so many amusing little stories that go through my mind, and now you know why I call it Insanity.

I know there are so many of you out there that go through the same thing.  Matter of fact you are probably sitting up in your bed right now reading this.  If you are, what little things do you do to help with getting to sleep.  Hey I am crazy and insane for sleep so I am pretty much up to trying anything. =) 

How are you suppose to have dreams for yourself, if you can't get to sleep,
Good day to ya,
B