A couple of days ago I found a long lost friend. She was one of the first friends I ever made as a married adult. She worked with my husband when we lived in Chicago. I found her after about 11 years of losing contact. Today she called me and it was as if her voice had never left my memory. As soon as she spoke I knew in a moment is was Lynda, my long lost friend.
It was nice to hear her voice again. But it also saddened me because for me to have a conversation with someone on the phone or face to face takes some prep time for me. I am very shy and I hardly ever know what to say to someone when I have known them and talk to them daily. There is lots I want to say but never know what is appropriate to say after so long. So I do hope that she don't think I was rude. She just don't know the me that I have come to be. She thought I was shy and withdrawn before...she has no idea how bad it has gotten now.
Now on to reliving old guilt. Was it my friend that made me do it...no. It was my wonderful daughter, who lives in Ohio. She felt to the need to call me out of the blue and start having me relive my abusive life with her real father and relive the fact that he had an affair on me and had a child with another woman...while i was married to him. After the wonderful little day full of memories that I thought I had long forgotten, she called back that night to inform me that she missed her brother, sister and me and it was all my fault because I took them away from her.
Needless to say, I have been really down for the last couple of days and have cut myself off from the world basically. I haven't even called my best friend because I am just too down right now.
Even tho it was she that left us, and not the other way around, she still sees it completely different then it all happened. I guess that is the pill one must swallow. How does one deal with all this. How does one deal with the same mind numbing pain over and over again. If you have the remedy, please share. I am even willing to pay for it. I would rather be broke then to keep living with the guilt that shouldn't be my guilt to bare.
B
Sunday, July 17, 2011
New Old Friends and Reliving Guilt...
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mommy Rhapsody...
A friend of mine shared this on Facebook and I am adding it here so I don't lose it.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Love...
Love is a word that is used very loosely in today's English language. I love you is thrown around so much, that it is no wonder why people get so confused in relationships. And it isn't only intimate relationships that get messed up in that little 4 letter word that causes so much havoc. It's any kind. A love between two friends or many, a love between to soul mates and a love between family or more specific a mother and daughter.
When did love become such a hard thing for people to grasp? Anymore it isn't I love you all the time...it's I will love you when it is convenient for me. It can bring so many people close together, and yet tear them apart at the same time.
Then there are different kinds of love. There is a love for finer things in life. A love for friends, a love for family, a love for material things, and BEING IN love. They all cause just as much trouble as the next. And just because there are different kinds of love, really doesn't make the hurt really any different.
It is confusing. I try to teach my daughter, a teen girl that goes around telling everyone she loves them, even people she has never met, that you can't just throw that word out there to people. Reason being...there are so many people out there that is only looking for love. To be loved by someone, anyone. Yet, she still throws it out there like it is an everyday word. And it isn't. Love is a word that should be used with extreme care. A word that should only come out of your mouth when it is unconditional, no doubt about it and truly meant by the sayer.
I can honestly say that I am IN LOVE with one person. I can honestly say that I truly love 5 people unconditionally. I can honestly say I love 6 people that I would never want anything bad to happen to them. And I can honestly say I love the items around me that I would hate to lose but it's OK if I ever do. Every single one of these people I tell I love you to. And when I tell them I love them, I truly mean I love them. I love them so very much that my life would never be the same without them. If I have told you, then I mean it.
But the problem with love is...it isn't always given back with the same amount of enthusiasm, with the same amount of passion, with the same amount. You can never tell or show someone exactly how much you really love them, but you can always try to show them and tell them. Never stop trying. But don't ever say it, unless you mean it.
I am a mother, and I starve for love from my children. I need love from them. I HAVE to have love from them. And to a large degree, they love me as much as they can or as much as they know how to. But I don't ever want them to love me when it is convenient for them. No matter what they do, no matter what they say, no matter what they become, I will always love them as much, if not more then the day they were laid in my arms. I may not like what they do, or what they say, but I can honestly say I love them UNCONDITIONALLY.
Love hurts, love feels great, love makes you cry, it makes you laugh. But one thing it should never do...is make you CRAZY!
To my daughter, I love you. Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...I love you. Let me know when it is convenient again for you to love me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Story With Pictures...
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| (Billirella) |
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| (Speedway) |
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| (Boss) |
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| (fingers) |
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| (Bone) |
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| (Silver Lining) |
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| Prince Charming |
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| snacks |
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| register |
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| money |
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| Billirella |
|
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| unhappy |
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| Evil Villian |
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| Prince Charming |
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| sweep |
.
