I have been dealing with something for the past 17 years of my life, that not even my extended family knows about. The only people that know is my kids and husband. I don't talk about it, cause I can't handle it if someone don't believe me. In a large degree, I feel like I am just crazy and how can others believe it.
This disorder I have, started as a minor thing. And today it has grown into a monster that takes over part of my life. A large part. Before I tell you my story, I simply ask for you not to judge me, and try to understand it. Chances are you know someone the same way.
I was in an abusive marriage as some of you know. In this marriage a lot of things happened to me that even I am still learning. The more I learn, the more this disorder grows.
I have Agoraphobia. For those that don't know what this is....
Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which a person has attacks of intense fear and anxiety. There is also a fear of being in places where it is hard to escape, or where help might not be available.
Agoraphobia usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone.
For more information you can visit here: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/agoraphobia/DS00894
My disorder started with a fear of people. A fear that they are judging me, making fun of me. Then it spiraled out of control with thoughts that they all want to harm me. Lucky for me I have a very supportive husband now. A husband that helped me through this major disfunction in my life. Because of him, he made me get out among people, with him close to my side, and showed me that nobody wants to hurt me. Although I still feel these things, I can control them much better.
He would work 12 hour shifts at a physically demanding job, and then come home, only to go back out to run to the grocery store because I wouldn't leave my home. Only to go to my parents house. So now that has gotten better, but I still go to very few places without him. Well, the better I get at controling this, the more new fears begin to emerge.
I now can not go anywhere unless I am in constant view of the exits. I can not sit in the back of a crowded room, because they will trap me in should anything happens. I can not talk to people face to face. If I do, I never look them straight in the eye. I constantly back up or move over. I don't want them in my space.
When someone knocks on my door, I'm off to the races. I have injured myself more times then once trying to get away from the knock. Why do I feel this way... because this home is MY HOME. YOU CAN NOT HURT ME HERE. It is my safe haven. The only people that are allowed inside these walls are people I trust and know that love me. If you are knocking on my door, you are wanting in to my safe haven, and I don't trust you not to hurt me or my family. And I don't have to face you inside these walls.
A true example of this and what happens to me is a day I will never forget. That is the day I truely realized, I have a problem. My son and daughter wanted to go to church camp. So my husband took them over and signed them up. My son met a boy that he instantly became friends with. He asked if the boy could come over. My husband said yes, and he didn't prepare me for this. The boy walks in and I instantly run for another room. They go into his bedroom to play the game and I start to feel more at ease. The boy wasn't too much of a problem because he was young. But then my husband tells me that his parents will be over to pick him up. I instantly go into panic mode. How could he do this to me. how can he open my doors to complete strangers that he has only met for a matter of 5 minutes. He tells me he would like for me to meet them. He begins to prepare me. Telling me he will be there with me and it will be ok. He wont even ask them to sit down.
The knock at the door...it took every fiber of my being to keep my feet planted in one spot. Now, at this time my front door lead into the living room and there was a divider that separated the kitchen from the living room. I stood leaned up against this divider. It was my protection with Rob standing almost infront of me. He introduced me and things were going ok. Then she made a comment about my stand next to my couch. Saying her husband needs something like that, I instantly felt judged because it was a old jeloppy that Rob made in 10 seconds. I felt myself withdrawing. She then made the statement that she wants a floor like what was in my kitchen. Because it is dark and don't show dirt when it's dirty. That sent me for a headspin. Was my floor dirty, was she judging my cleaning ability. My mind the thoughts were, how dare her come into my home and judge me. By the time the people left, I found myself hidden behind the divider now and only my head was visable. I kid you not, I looked like a floating head. I came out when they left and knew then, this was a serious problem.
I do have a job. After a year of being there, I am just now starting to talk to people. Which even surprises me cause I work in a Nursing Home. But I still get up every morning and my anxiety kicks into over drive. It takes me all day or night to prepare to go in. Even when I get there, there are certain situations that put me into a talespin.
My newest fear, is about to cause a divorce. For 17 years I have considered Rob my security blanket. I have felt that he is the ONLY person that will never hurt me. I know this to be a fact. But I cant stop what my head feels.
We recently went on a road trip up to Ohio from Georgia. I drove down so everything was ok. I could keep things within my control. On the way back I was too tired to drive so it was left up to him. As soon as we hit the highway, all bets were off. If he blinked, it was too long. If he hit the breaks, it was too hard. Anything and everything he did....was wrong. He was going to kill us. Or he was going to flip the car and I was going to get trapped inside. I fought with him. It got so bad he pulled over to the side of the highway and told me to get in the back seat. So I reluctantly agreed. but just getting into the back seat was not good enough. I had to lay down. If I sat up I was going to throw up everyone. If I hadn't laid down, I would have never made it home, and if it wasn't someone I trust, I would have killed them to save myself.
I need help. I know I need to see someone to help me get over this, but I don't know if I trust someone enough to go talk to them about my entire life. To sit there with another human being, one on one, talking about me....lets put it this way...I have always been a better listener then a talker. This causes high anxiety with me. Even the thought makes me sick to my stomach.
Which is a whole nother thing. I found out now, why I am always sick to my stomach. Why I sweat so bad in public places, why I feel so hot...and the dizzy spells.
Anyway, I am telling you this now, becasue I am going to go get some help. Because Rob's surgery is coming up next month and I am feeling guilty because even though he is going to go throguh a life or death surgery, my mind keeps going to a place I HATE. If he dies....I will be....alone. So I need to get this fixed so I can be at my best for him.
Ok so wish me luck on this new chapter of my life. The one where I admit that I have a problem. The one where I will have to take medication, that I don't want to take. The one where a therapist will make me face my fears head on. I am going to need all the luck I can get.
B
Monday, March 18, 2013
A Fear...or Disorder
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
So Much To Tell...So Little Time
Last night I got a little tipsy. It made me look at things through different eyes. Was this a good thing...I think so. It got me thinking about things that are going on in my life, and how I can change them. I have done nothing but the last couple of months to change everything. Rob's health, my work, my kids, my home...everything.
Last night I came to the conclusion that I am not going to try and change things anymore. I cannot control everyone and everything. I just can't. So I stop.
Rob is not healthy. Not at all. In fact he is going in for a life or death surgery in two months. They are going to re-graft him a whole new aorta. But there is two catches. He needs to stop smoking and gain 50 to 60 pounds. The problem is, he hasn't even tried to stop smoking, and we are down to less then two months before the surgery. They made it perfectly clear they will not do the surgery if he don't stop. I even went and bought him a 50 dollar E cig to help him. I have begged him to at least slow down. He wont even leave the house now. He is not active at all. He gets no exercise, he is sick to his stomach all the time and he wont eat what I give him. Gotten him Boost, Ensure, Med Pass, Muscle Milk, milkshakes...everything I can think of to put some weight on him. He will drink a couple of sips and the rest goes to waste.
Bottom line is he has given up. There is no doubt in my mind. He has stopped doing the things that made him who he is. He use to wash his hair daily, never failed, even if there wasn't enough time for a shower. He use to check his money daily. He use to move around the house and never liked to sit still for long cause it hurt. All stopped. Now he is like a veggie on the couch.
Now don't get me wrong. I know he has a lot on him right now. More then his share and it would stress even the strongest person out. But he needs to try. He needs to try and save his life. Are me and the children not worth it? He has sat on this couch for 2 straight weeks. He has litterally wasted away. Instead of gaining he has lost 7 more pounds...putting him at a whopping 156 pounds. Now, Rob has never been a small man. He is 6 ft. tall and been heavy his whole life. This is skin and bones to Rob. He he let his beard grow back to a full beard just so his face looks more full. His cheek bones are errie. I for the life of me can't even figure out how his legs are holding him up.
I ask him to exercise with leg weights on his arms and legs, cause he can't do much. But he can sit here and lift his legs and arms with the weights on, but he wont do it. And the frustrating part for me is, I CAN'T BE HERE 24 7 TO MAKE SURE HE DOES IT. He wont let me quit my job, but if I don't do something this surgery is NOT going to happen.
I love him just too damn much to let him just give up. I can't control him and I can't make him change. I realized that last night, but I damn sure can control myself. So I think wheather he likes it or not, I am going to quit my job and stay home with him. I have to. At least until after his recovery. Things are going to be tight, specially cause I am going to have to rent out a hotel room for the two months he is in Gainesville hospital recovering. But, his life is MY LIFE..and I don't like him messing with it. I have too much invested in him to just let him go. yeah that may sound selfish....But...DAMN IT I AM WORTH IT!!! MY KIDS ARE WORTH IT!!!! AND I THINK HE IS WORTH IT!!!!
I have to get an up to date picture of Rob to show you, but I will show you how he has changed over the years and the rapid change.
And the most recent ... about a month ago and he looks so much more different then this now.
How does change happen this fast. HE IS NOT HEALTHY!!!!!! I am not saying he has let his self go, as far as him still matching his shoes to his belt is still important to him. Matching his hanky to his shirt is still important. No he hasn't let him self go....he just has stopped caring wheather he lives or dies.
I love this man with all my heart, soul, passion, life. I can't stand seeing him do this to his self. I guess I am just venting. I just wish he cared about himself as much as I care about him. Stop seeing me as trying to help as degrading you. COME BACK TO ME ROB...more importantly...
Don't make me live here without you.
B
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Long Time No See...
Hello world,
It's been a long time since I last made a post. And honestly I haven't had much time to make one either.
A lot has been going on in my little corner of the world. Some good and well, some not as much. The good news is I am almost completely over what my child has done to me. It has been a long road but my healing is almost done.
One that that has changed is, that same child, made me a grandmother. That's right everyone...Me...a mamaw!!!!!! That's the best news of the year. I wasn't happy about it at first but who could not be happy with a face like this:
It seems to have been a long winter here. Back and fourth with the cold and warm weather. I miss Florida at times like this. Can't wait to get back to the warm weather, on a boat, on the water. Yes, my friends that is where I am the happiest...on the water. I think I was a fish once ;)
B
Sunday, July 17, 2011
New Old Friends and Reliving Guilt...
A couple of days ago I found a long lost friend. She was one of the first friends I ever made as a married adult. She worked with my husband when we lived in Chicago. I found her after about 11 years of losing contact. Today she called me and it was as if her voice had never left my memory. As soon as she spoke I knew in a moment is was Lynda, my long lost friend.
It was nice to hear her voice again. But it also saddened me because for me to have a conversation with someone on the phone or face to face takes some prep time for me. I am very shy and I hardly ever know what to say to someone when I have known them and talk to them daily. There is lots I want to say but never know what is appropriate to say after so long. So I do hope that she don't think I was rude. She just don't know the me that I have come to be. She thought I was shy and withdrawn before...she has no idea how bad it has gotten now.
Now on to reliving old guilt. Was it my friend that made me do it...no. It was my wonderful daughter, who lives in Ohio. She felt to the need to call me out of the blue and start having me relive my abusive life with her real father and relive the fact that he had an affair on me and had a child with another woman...while i was married to him. After the wonderful little day full of memories that I thought I had long forgotten, she called back that night to inform me that she missed her brother, sister and me and it was all my fault because I took them away from her.
Needless to say, I have been really down for the last couple of days and have cut myself off from the world basically. I haven't even called my best friend because I am just too down right now.
Even tho it was she that left us, and not the other way around, she still sees it completely different then it all happened. I guess that is the pill one must swallow. How does one deal with all this. How does one deal with the same mind numbing pain over and over again. If you have the remedy, please share. I am even willing to pay for it. I would rather be broke then to keep living with the guilt that shouldn't be my guilt to bare.
B
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mommy Rhapsody...
A friend of mine shared this on Facebook and I am adding it here so I don't lose it.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Love...
Love is a word that is used very loosely in today's English language. I love you is thrown around so much, that it is no wonder why people get so confused in relationships. And it isn't only intimate relationships that get messed up in that little 4 letter word that causes so much havoc. It's any kind. A love between two friends or many, a love between to soul mates and a love between family or more specific a mother and daughter.
When did love become such a hard thing for people to grasp? Anymore it isn't I love you all the time...it's I will love you when it is convenient for me. It can bring so many people close together, and yet tear them apart at the same time.
Then there are different kinds of love. There is a love for finer things in life. A love for friends, a love for family, a love for material things, and BEING IN love. They all cause just as much trouble as the next. And just because there are different kinds of love, really doesn't make the hurt really any different.
It is confusing. I try to teach my daughter, a teen girl that goes around telling everyone she loves them, even people she has never met, that you can't just throw that word out there to people. Reason being...there are so many people out there that is only looking for love. To be loved by someone, anyone. Yet, she still throws it out there like it is an everyday word. And it isn't. Love is a word that should be used with extreme care. A word that should only come out of your mouth when it is unconditional, no doubt about it and truly meant by the sayer.
I can honestly say that I am IN LOVE with one person. I can honestly say that I truly love 5 people unconditionally. I can honestly say I love 6 people that I would never want anything bad to happen to them. And I can honestly say I love the items around me that I would hate to lose but it's OK if I ever do. Every single one of these people I tell I love you to. And when I tell them I love them, I truly mean I love them. I love them so very much that my life would never be the same without them. If I have told you, then I mean it.
But the problem with love is...it isn't always given back with the same amount of enthusiasm, with the same amount of passion, with the same amount. You can never tell or show someone exactly how much you really love them, but you can always try to show them and tell them. Never stop trying. But don't ever say it, unless you mean it.
I am a mother, and I starve for love from my children. I need love from them. I HAVE to have love from them. And to a large degree, they love me as much as they can or as much as they know how to. But I don't ever want them to love me when it is convenient for them. No matter what they do, no matter what they say, no matter what they become, I will always love them as much, if not more then the day they were laid in my arms. I may not like what they do, or what they say, but I can honestly say I love them UNCONDITIONALLY.
Love hurts, love feels great, love makes you cry, it makes you laugh. But one thing it should never do...is make you CRAZY!
To my daughter, I love you. Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...I love you. Let me know when it is convenient again for you to love me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Story With Pictures...
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| (Billirella) |
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| (Speedway) |
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| (Boss) |
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| (fingers) |
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| (Bone) |
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| (Silver Lining) |
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| Prince Charming |
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| snacks |
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| register |
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| money |
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| Billirella |
|
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| unhappy |
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| Evil Villian |
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| Prince Charming |
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| sweep |
.
