Last night I got a little tipsy. It made me look at things through different eyes. Was this a good thing...I think so. It got me thinking about things that are going on in my life, and how I can change them. I have done nothing but the last couple of months to change everything. Rob's health, my work, my kids, my home...everything.
Last night I came to the conclusion that I am not going to try and change things anymore. I cannot control everyone and everything. I just can't. So I stop.
Rob is not healthy. Not at all. In fact he is going in for a life or death surgery in two months. They are going to re-graft him a whole new aorta. But there is two catches. He needs to stop smoking and gain 50 to 60 pounds. The problem is, he hasn't even tried to stop smoking, and we are down to less then two months before the surgery. They made it perfectly clear they will not do the surgery if he don't stop. I even went and bought him a 50 dollar E cig to help him. I have begged him to at least slow down. He wont even leave the house now. He is not active at all. He gets no exercise, he is sick to his stomach all the time and he wont eat what I give him. Gotten him Boost, Ensure, Med Pass, Muscle Milk, milkshakes...everything I can think of to put some weight on him. He will drink a couple of sips and the rest goes to waste.
Bottom line is he has given up. There is no doubt in my mind. He has stopped doing the things that made him who he is. He use to wash his hair daily, never failed, even if there wasn't enough time for a shower. He use to check his money daily. He use to move around the house and never liked to sit still for long cause it hurt. All stopped. Now he is like a veggie on the couch.
Now don't get me wrong. I know he has a lot on him right now. More then his share and it would stress even the strongest person out. But he needs to try. He needs to try and save his life. Are me and the children not worth it? He has sat on this couch for 2 straight weeks. He has litterally wasted away. Instead of gaining he has lost 7 more pounds...putting him at a whopping 156 pounds. Now, Rob has never been a small man. He is 6 ft. tall and been heavy his whole life. This is skin and bones to Rob. He he let his beard grow back to a full beard just so his face looks more full. His cheek bones are errie. I for the life of me can't even figure out how his legs are holding him up.
I ask him to exercise with leg weights on his arms and legs, cause he can't do much. But he can sit here and lift his legs and arms with the weights on, but he wont do it. And the frustrating part for me is, I CAN'T BE HERE 24 7 TO MAKE SURE HE DOES IT. He wont let me quit my job, but if I don't do something this surgery is NOT going to happen.
I love him just too damn much to let him just give up. I can't control him and I can't make him change. I realized that last night, but I damn sure can control myself. So I think wheather he likes it or not, I am going to quit my job and stay home with him. I have to. At least until after his recovery. Things are going to be tight, specially cause I am going to have to rent out a hotel room for the two months he is in Gainesville hospital recovering. But, his life is MY LIFE..and I don't like him messing with it. I have too much invested in him to just let him go. yeah that may sound selfish....But...DAMN IT I AM WORTH IT!!! MY KIDS ARE WORTH IT!!!! AND I THINK HE IS WORTH IT!!!!
I have to get an up to date picture of Rob to show you, but I will show you how he has changed over the years and the rapid change.
And the most recent ... about a month ago and he looks so much more different then this now.
How does change happen this fast. HE IS NOT HEALTHY!!!!!! I am not saying he has let his self go, as far as him still matching his shoes to his belt is still important to him. Matching his hanky to his shirt is still important. No he hasn't let him self go....he just has stopped caring wheather he lives or dies.
I love this man with all my heart, soul, passion, life. I can't stand seeing him do this to his self. I guess I am just venting. I just wish he cared about himself as much as I care about him. Stop seeing me as trying to help as degrading you. COME BACK TO ME ROB...more importantly...
Don't make me live here without you.
B
