Time Alone

Ok, I am sitting here alone, which I have been for the last 3 days and to be honest with you...I HATE IT.

I haven't been alone in years.  And I haven't been without any of my family members since Beth left 4 years ago.  I haven't let any of my kids or my husband out of my sight since. 

My husband and my son have left and went to Joplin, MO.  They left Monday to help with the tornado victims.  And my daughter leaves every day at 5:30 to go to Vacation Bible School.  She usually don't return home until 9:00.  In the three and a half hours that I am alone, it is complete torture. 

I always thought, man it would be nice to have the house all to myself for a little while, or boy it should would be nice if Rob could just get out of the house for a little while..my opinion has changed.  I want him back home.  I want my son back home.  I know they are there helping and the needs of the many out weight the needs of the few, but I am just dying without them.  I am constantly scared that something is going to happen.  I am scared my son is going to get hurt and I am not going to be there to take care of him.  I am scared something might go wrong with Rob's heart since I am not there breathing down his neck every second of the day...telling him to sit down.  And I am scared they just wont return home.

Rob did call me last night and told me the transmission gave out on the van they went in and they are telling him there is no money, let alone no place to get it fixed.  Is this going to put them off coming home this weekend? 

They told my son that there was an age limit on things he can do.  So they have him passing out food and boxes of clothing and things like that.  He said he really is enjoying what he is doing and he feels it is more rewarding then anything else cause he gets to interact with the victims personally.  Oh and he has a girlfriend.  A little old lady has just completely taken him under her wing and taking really good care of him.  God, thank you for her!!!!!

Ok just wanted to come on and say that I miss them.  My husband is my life line, and when is is absent..so is my life.

B

Through The Years

I was sitting here going through some old pictures, because a friend of mine wanted to see some old photos.  It got me looking through them and remembering some of the good times.  While scanning through these pictures I found some of me growing up and I thought I would share with you.  Only a few people read this, if any, so I figure it was safe to post them here without too much humiliation...lol

OK on with it then.

This was my very first picture taken professionally.  I was 3 months old in this picture and in my opinion...the cutest I have ever been..lol

Do you see that hair...my mom use to style it like a cupie doll I had.  I have seen the pictures, and well...I looked just like the doll.  8 months old.

This is me at one year old with one of my most favorite people in the world..My grandpa. 

A year and 10 months old here.  This picture is stuck forever to a piece of glass.  Ok I think I was pretty cute here too.

Here, I am the ripe old age of 5.  Funny story with this picture, besides the clothes...don't get me started on that.  It was the morning of pictures.  I wasn't in school yet, but my older sister was.  Back then you could take your other kids in on picture day to get theirs done too.  Well Mama thought it would be great fun to dress me up and get mine done too.  Only, this very same morning, I got up all sleepy, and tripped I guess over air, and hit the side of my face on the coffee table.  It swelled up like you wouldn't believe and turned yellow black and blue.  You can see it on my left side.  Instead of calling off the picture, mama still had to get it done..lol

Yep made it to kindergarten safely.  Age 6.  My hair use to be really long.  I didn't get it cut until my 3rd grade year.  It use to hand down over my bottom. 

This is my husband's all time favorite.  I was in fourth grade..age 9 I believe.  This was our second week of school.  I got transfered from my nice teacher into the wicked witch of the 4th grades class cause the nice teacher had too many kids...only 3 kids got transfered and I was one of the lucky ones.  But I was so nervious.  I was biting my lip..lol

Beginning of my fifth grade year before we moved to Laura.  10 years old and my freckles popped out with them big teeth...Lordy!

6th grade, hated my new school, hated the people, hated the way I looked, hated the town, hated the teachers and so on and so on!  Age 12

I am not sure what I was thinking here.  What is with that square hair.  I thought I was looking good that morning and even my sister told me I did...why didn't I learn not to listen to her back then!  My junior year and my very last year of high school.

Me now, well, this was about 4 years ago, of coursed lightened so you don't see all my flaws. 

Enjoy the laughs and get it out of your systems...I wont be doing this again..lol.  In my eyes I don't see that I have changed a bit, I still look like the big toothed, freckle faced kid I was back then.

B

Helping Someone Find Someone...

Tonight a girl I use to go to school with posted a link to this article...

http://www.end-times.info/



She then asked if someone would read it and help explain it to her in Kindergarten terms.  I had seen that nobody had answered her.  So I went and read it, and I must say it was an interesting article.  I even learned a few things myself.  And I would suggest it to anyone that is curious.

I wont go into our conversation but this lady is terrified of death.  Which told me right away that she is not saved yet.  I helped her as much as I could, and I hope I did help her in finding what she was looking for.  One of the things she did want my opinion on was did I think 2012 was going to happen.

This is a hard subject for me to explain but I am going to try.  I don't know if I am right and I am not claiming to but here goes.

I have said before, that I don't believe anything will happen as far as the world ending on  Dec. 21, 2012.  Not Dec 21, 2012 anyways.  Could the world end next year....yes.  It could also end tomorrow.  Something may happen on Dec. 21, yes it could because the planets lining up is a fact.  They will, and it has never been seen before.  So it very well could have some impact..but it might not either.

What I explained to her was that if she was saved, she would no longer worry what is going to happen next.  She just had to focus on the here and now.  And God and Jesus are here and now.  I told her the same thing I am going to tell everyone else out there that might read this cause they are wanting to be saved.  If you are one of those people that want facts, that need cold hard evidence, you may not ever find what you are looking for...specially if you don't know what to look for.  God is not going to appear before you and say, I AM.  He is in our hearts, in our every day life, He is that voice that tells you all will be fine, He is the arms that wrap around you when you need comforting.  He is in EVERYTHING...that's where she should start looking for the facts. 

I will leave you with this...

Clothing yourself in the Lord, happens one sock at a time. And by asking questions, is how you become fully clothed. And when you are, that's when you can take that leap of faith. It's like jumping off a cliff and it is very scary, but once it does happen you will be clean and it is a fresh start, and you wont fear what is coming next or death.

B

Just My Two Cents About 5/21/11

Here is it Sunday May 22, 2011 and I am here to write to you all and give you my opinion of what Mr. Harold Camping did to the world by saying it would end yesterday.

Many of the things I am seeing on Facebook is, "I was left behind" in a joking manner, "Nobody knows when and time it will end." And so on and so on.  I even seen this picture.

I have seen this picture several times today, and people that have posted it seems to be right with God.

Here is my view on it.  Some of you may agree with it, and others my send me hate mail every day of my life but here it goes.

Mr. Camping, believed whole hearted that his prediction was true.  He believed it so much that he sent his church out into the world, the last days that they knew of, and handed out leaflets and preached and posted billboards telling everyone to prepare themselves.  To find God before it is too late.  The rapture would happen and they didn't want to be left behind.

Well, where I am from, where is this wrong.  I didn't fall into the beliefs of this man, but I did, as a Christian, see where he was coming from.  He believed in his faith so much that he put himself out there for the world to poke fun of, to hate on and to laughed at so.  He knew that the consciences of his action could land him in a world of criticism, yet again for failing to predict the worlds end.

When 6:01 p.m. came around, and nothing happened that we know of, imagine how Mr. Camping felt.  Was he upset knowing that he was wrong...or was he glad.  Mr. Camping must have felt the turning in his stomach that he was wrong and would be seen as a fool in worlds eyes, but then glad that he was wrong, and still with his children and family.  But yet, even though there was a fear of his that he was wrong again...he continued to stand up for his faith and what he believed in.  REMEMBER:  Jesus was crusified for standing up for what he believed in.

And honestly where was he wrong.  Yes wrong in knowing when and time it will happen, but what harm did he do?  Did he bring people into the Lord?  I would say more then likely someone was saved during all that...and is that not worth it.  Did he get someone to pick up their Bible for the first time and start to read it? I would say probably so.  Did he put fear into people's hearts?  Yes, of that I am sure.  But isn't this stuff a true Christian is suppose to do.  Teach, lead, help, and help people find what they have been missing.

I do know that even though I didn't believe the rapture or end of the world would happen, I did do something yesterday that I have never done before.  I sat my family down and asked them to pray with me.  Isn't it to be better to scare people to help them get right with God, then to sit by and do nothing?  I read my Bible and I know the chain of events to come just as everyone else that has read it.  And if you have read it, then more then likely you were not scared.  But I had two children that have never read it before.  Only have they had it read to them.  I wanted to make sure that they were ok, and see if they had any questions. So yes, I took into consideration that Mr. Camping could be right, and I wanted to prepare my family, just in case.  One of these days someone is going to be right...think about that.  Every day someone is predicting it is the last day...soon, one will be right.

I have a 14 year old daughter that would stand up and leave the room anytime the end of the world was talked about.  It would scare her so bad sometimes she would end up in tears.  Let me tell you about Madison's story.

Since this talk has come about, and it was all she was hearing, she decided to talk to her teacher at Wednesday night church.  They sat her down and explain some things to her.  That night, my daughter came home with a huge smile on her face.  When I asked her what she was smiling for, her reply was "Mama, I believe I was Saved tonight."  My heart lite up.  I sat her down and talked to her about how she felt and what was going on inside her mind and heart.  We talked about this for a little while and I have come to the faith that she has been saved.  I was hoping and praying that she had been.  I can't say for sure if she was or not, it's not my soul...it is hers and only she and the Good Lord know for sure.

But what I do know, is that, that same little 14 year old girl that ran out of the room every time the world's end was mentioned, sat down yesterday when the world was suppose to end, and read the entire book of Revelations.  A child that was so scared of seeing the world end, sat down and read what would happen when it does end.

So, I just let people say what they want.  I say that the Bible has told me to never call anyone a Fool.  So, Mr. Camping, I don't believe you are a fool.  Thank you for taking that leap and actually leading some people to God.  No, you shouldn't have put a date and time stamp on it, but I wont criticize you.  And I witnessed miracles during this time, and for that...thank you.  And to those fellow Christians out there, I only have one thing to say to you. 

"Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." Mark 7:1-2

B

To Hickory North Carolina

Hello Hickory North Carolina!  I notice you have come here several times but have never said a word to me.  I don't know who you are but I thought I would say hello and say I have noticed ya coming back a couple times a week.  I wanna say thanks, although I don't know if you keep coming back because I am entertaining or you go through some of the same stuff or you just get here by complete accident!  Say hello sometime, I'd like to hear from ya! =)

Hitting The 40 Year Mark

I was born in 1972.  That means that I am right now 38 and will be turning 39 in November.  What does this mean?  Well, to me it means that I am quickly approaching my 40's and really nothing to show for it.

I have no home that is mine, no career, no savings, no anything else that I should have at this age.  I promised myself that by the age of 40 I would be set, should anything happen and I am left alone.  Right now if I was left alone I am afraid I would sink faster then a paddle boat. 

The best part about turning older is the fact that your sex drive, in women anyway, hits a high gear and you start to wonder what in the heck has happened to you.  The bad part about that is, you must make sure your husband is in the best shape of his life, cause he isn't that eager young teenage boy as before.

Another bad part of that is the start of that unforgiving M word.  Yes you know what I am talking about.  Sweating is the worst part.  And it is so embarrassing.  When you are wringing your shirt out and your hair is soaking wet and you look around and nobody else looks even remotely hot.  Then the emotions.  One day up, three days down.  Depressed, Depressed, ok but Still depressed, to has perky as a 14 year old.  Menopause is a roller coaster of which seems there is no end in sight...and the kicker....its ONLY PRE-MENOPAUSE!

Oh yeah, being a woman and getting older isn't easy.  When I worked at a nursing home, I always wondered why the older women were mostly bitter.  They hated the aids.  It was like they were pissed off at us cause we were younger.  The older men...such a delight.  The majority of them were just as sweet and kind.  Now, being a woman and getting older...I now know why the older women were so bitter.  We have to go through a lot!!!!!

Men get up, take a shower, swipe a comb through their hair, put on deodorant if your lucky, get dressed and out the door they go.  Never to have their friend visit monthly, sometimes not at all, which causes more emotions, never go through the pain of child birth, no menopause...no nothing.  Sometimes I think to myself...I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET EVE!

I guess I am not being fair to the men, they do have the hard job of bringing enough money home to support the family, then hold the couch down so it don't go anywhere.  Oh yes I am not dumb to the fact that men have midlife crisses...but it is usually just because they realize they are getting old.  That's another thing, why is it that men get more handsome when they get older?  My husband, his greying hair is just as soft and whispy as it was when it was all one color.  My greying hair is so corse it wont even dye.  His wrinkles are in his forehead...the worry lines, and can be covered with his hair..Mine..around my mouth.  He is still as thin if not thinner then the day I met him....Me..my butt is bigger, my belly is bigger and I AM SHIRINKING! 

So I guess my point is this.  As 40 gets nearer, my dreams of being thin and beautiful with a house and sweat free gets farther.  I am becoming...my mother.

B

Home Sick

I woke this morning with incrediable pain in my heart.  I had been crying in my sleep.  This made no sense to me on waking, until I tried to remember my dream.

In my dream everyone I have ever known was around me.  Ones from my past and my present, dead and alive.  I remember looking upon their faces and crying.  Then I realized it was a place that was fimilar to me.  Home...

The way things use to be, mama was there with a big smile and looked so happy to see me.  Daddy's face was stern but love filled his eyes. My sister, my brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, cousins.  They all looked like they did...when we were a family.

I am so very home sick.  I don't even know if home sick is the right words, but I miss people.  Not just any people, but the people that use to love me.  I use to be so very loved.  To lose a loved one is hard, but to lose every single person you have loved for 38 years is devastating.

I long to see a fimilar face.  This is the longest I have ever went my entire life without seeing someone I know.  I don't know anyone anymore.  I see three faces every single day, and don't get me wrong, I love those 3 beautiful faces...but I need a new, old face.  I need someone to hug me, someone to just really hug me til I feel I wont be able to breath.  I need someone to look me in the eye and tell me how they have missed me...and mean it.

Seems like I always talk the same stuff on here.  I have nobody else to talk to.  I guess I keep hoping that someone out there will respond, and tell me they know what I am going through.  Even though I know I am not the only one, sometimes I just can't help but feel like I am the only one that has ever gone through this because I can't really explain my emotions to make people truely understand.

I want to be a little girl again.  I want to wake in the morning to my mama in the kitchen cooking for her family of 8 with love in every spoon stoke.  To daddy hollering at my mama to make him a cup of coffee.  He never could get out of bed until that first cup.  And every morning for 39 years she would have it ready to take to him.  I wan't to sit at the breakfast table with all 5 of my brother's and sisters.  I want Joey to steal my sausage from my plate because mine lasted the longest.  We would all see who could make our sausage last the longest cause it was a treat for us.  And Joey would steal from everyone's plate..lol.  He had too...if you would have seen him, it took a lot of food for that Giant.  I want John Paul to grunt at me instead of talking because we waited on him hand and foot and he didn't need to talk.  I want Phillip singing "Killing Time" and playing along on the broom.  And Autum...I will just take her at anytime our life together.  She was fun.

Ah, but time changes, people are lost, and time goes on...sometimes...without you.  My family just had a big party and my brother said they were doing Karaokee and he missed me.  I was always the entertainment for the family.  It was something I did, and I thought it was something that I couldn't be replaced doing, but I guess I was..cause they had fun, and it was without me.  I am glad they had fun, and I am glad they had everyone around them...I just wish I was there to see it.

B