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Sunday, July 17, 2011

New Old Friends and Reliving Guilt...

A couple of days ago I found a long lost friend.  She was one of the first friends I ever made as a married adult.  She worked with my husband when we lived in Chicago.  I found her after about 11 years of losing contact.  Today she called me and it was as if her voice had never left my memory.  As soon as she spoke I knew in a moment is was Lynda, my long lost friend.

It was nice to hear her voice again.  But it also saddened me because for me to have a conversation with someone on the phone or face to face takes some prep time for me.  I am very shy and I hardly ever know what to say to someone when I have known them and talk to them daily.  There is lots I want to say but never know what is appropriate to say after so long.  So I do hope that she don't think I was rude.  She just don't know the me that I have come to be.  She thought I was shy and withdrawn before...she has no idea how bad it has gotten now.

Now on to reliving old guilt.  Was it my friend that made me do it...no.  It was my wonderful daughter, who lives in Ohio.  She felt to the need to call me out of the blue and start having me relive my abusive life with her real father and relive the fact that he had an affair on me and had a child with another woman...while i was married to him.  After the wonderful little day full of memories that I thought I had long forgotten, she called back that night to inform me that she missed her brother, sister and me and it was all my fault because I took them away from her.

Needless to say, I have been really down for the last couple of days and have cut myself off from the world basically.  I haven't even called my best friend because I am just too down right now.

Even tho it was she that left us, and not the other way around, she still sees it completely different then it all happened.  I guess that is the pill one must swallow.  How does one deal with all this.  How does one deal with the same mind numbing pain over and over again.  If you have the remedy, please share.  I am even willing to pay for it.  I would rather be broke then to keep living with the guilt that shouldn't be my guilt to bare.

B

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