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Monday, March 18, 2013

A Fear...or Disorder

I have been dealing with something for the past 17 years of my life, that not even my extended family knows about.  The only people that know is my kids and husband.  I don't talk about it, cause I can't handle it if someone don't believe me.  In a large degree, I feel like I am just crazy and how can others believe it.

This disorder I have, started as a minor thing.  And today it has grown into a monster that takes over part of my life.  A large part.  Before I tell you my story, I simply ask for you not to judge me, and try to understand it.  Chances are you know someone the same way.

I was in an abusive marriage as some of you know.  In this marriage a lot of things happened to me that even I am still learning.  The more I learn, the more this disorder grows.

I have Agoraphobia.  For those that don't know what this is....

Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which a person has attacks of intense fear and anxiety. There is also a fear of being in places where it is hard to escape, or where help might not be available.
Agoraphobia usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone.

For more information you can visit here:  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/agoraphobia/DS00894

My disorder started with a fear of people.  A fear that they are judging me, making fun of me.  Then it spiraled out of control with thoughts that they all want to harm me.  Lucky for me I have a very supportive husband now.  A husband that helped me through this major disfunction in my life.  Because of him, he made me get out among people, with him close to my side, and showed me that nobody wants to hurt me.  Although I still feel these things, I can control them much better. 

He would work 12 hour shifts at a physically demanding job, and then come home, only to go back out to run to the grocery store because I wouldn't leave my home.  Only to go to my parents house.  So now that has gotten better, but I still go to very few places without him.  Well, the better I get at controling this, the more new fears begin to emerge. 

I now can not go anywhere unless I am in constant view of the exits.  I can not sit in the back of a crowded room, because they will trap me in should anything happens.  I can not talk to people face to face.  If I do, I never look them straight in the eye.  I constantly back up or move over.  I don't want them in my space. 

When someone knocks on my door, I'm off to the races.  I have injured myself more times then once trying to get away from the knock.  Why do I feel this way... because this home is MY HOME.  YOU CAN NOT HURT ME HERE.  It is my safe haven.  The only people that are allowed inside these walls are people I trust and know that love me.  If you are knocking on my door, you are wanting in to my safe haven, and I don't trust you not to hurt me or my family.  And I don't have to face you inside these walls. 

A true example of this and what happens to me is a day I will never forget.  That is the day I truely realized, I have a problem.  My son and daughter wanted to go to church camp.  So my husband took them over and signed them up.  My son met a boy that he instantly became friends with.  He asked if the boy could come over.  My husband said yes, and he didn't prepare me for this.  The boy walks in and I instantly run for another room.  They go into his bedroom to play the game and I start to feel more at ease.  The boy wasn't too much of a problem because he was young.  But then my husband tells me that his parents will be over to pick him up.  I instantly go into panic mode.  How could he do this to me.  how can he open my doors to complete strangers that he has only met for a matter of 5 minutes.  He tells me he would like for me to meet them.  He begins to prepare me.  Telling me he will be there with me and it will be ok.  He wont even ask them to sit down.

The knock at the door...it took every fiber of my being to keep my feet planted in one spot.  Now, at this time my front door lead into the living room and there was a divider that separated the kitchen from the living room.  I stood leaned up against this divider.  It was my protection with Rob standing almost infront of me.  He introduced me and things were going ok.  Then she made a comment about my stand next to my couch.  Saying her husband needs something like that, I instantly felt judged because it was a old jeloppy that Rob made in 10 seconds.  I felt myself withdrawing.  She then made the statement that she wants a floor like what was in my kitchen.  Because it is dark and don't show dirt when it's dirty.  That sent me for a headspin.  Was my floor dirty, was she judging my cleaning ability.  My mind the thoughts were, how dare her come into my home and judge me.  By the time the people left, I found myself hidden behind the divider now and only my head was visable.  I kid you not, I looked like a floating head.  I came out when they left and knew then, this was a serious problem.

I do have a job.  After a year of being there, I am just now starting to talk to people.  Which even surprises me cause I work in a Nursing Home.  But I still get up every morning and my anxiety kicks into over drive.  It takes me all day or night to prepare to go in.  Even when I get there, there are certain situations that put me into a talespin.

My newest fear, is about to cause a divorce.  For 17 years I have considered Rob my security blanket.  I have felt that he is the ONLY person that will never hurt me.  I know this to be a fact.  But I cant stop what my head feels. 

We recently went on a road trip up to Ohio from Georgia.  I drove down so everything was ok.  I could keep things within my control.  On the way back I was too tired to drive so it was left up to him.  As soon as we hit the highway, all bets were off.  If he blinked, it was too long.  If he hit the breaks, it was too hard.  Anything and everything he did....was wrong.  He was going to kill us.  Or he was going to flip the car and I was going to get trapped inside.  I fought with him.  It got so bad he pulled over to the side of the highway and told me to get in the back seat.  So I reluctantly agreed.  but just getting into the back seat was not good enough.  I had to lay down.  If I sat up I was going to throw up everyone.  If I hadn't laid down, I would have never made it home, and if it wasn't someone I trust, I would have killed them to save myself.

I need help.  I know I need to see someone to help me get over this, but I don't know if I trust someone enough to go talk to them about my entire life.  To sit there with another human being, one on one, talking about me....lets put it this way...I have always been a better listener then a talker.  This causes high anxiety with me.  Even the thought makes me sick to my stomach. 

Which is a whole nother thing.  I found out now, why I am always sick to my stomach.  Why I sweat so bad in public places, why I feel so hot...and the dizzy spells. 

Anyway, I am telling you this now, becasue I am going to go get some help.  Because Rob's surgery is coming up next month and I am feeling guilty because even though he is going to go throguh a life or death surgery, my mind keeps going to a place I HATE.  If he dies....I will be....alone.  So I need to get this fixed so I can be at my best for him. 

Ok so wish me luck on this new chapter of my life.  The one where I admit that I have a problem.  The one where I will have to take medication, that I don't want to take.  The one where a therapist will make me face my fears head on.  I am going to need all the luck I can get.

B

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