Was it real? Was it just a dream, or merely a way of making my conscience feel better? I don't really know, what do you think?
(Down right handsome man...My Grand-Daddy)
When I was a kid I could hardly wait for Saturdays to come around. Saturday was the day that Grand-daddy came to my house in Ohio. Grand-daddy would pull up, and I would run out to his car, give him a big hug, tell him I love him and hold out my hand, waiting to see what he brought me this time. He never came empty-handed. It could be as small as a Little Debbie cake (which was most of the time), coloring book and crayons or it could be as large as a new puppy.
Grand-daddy was married to Lona. Lona was my step-grandmother, but she was always Lona to me. She was nice, but she just wasn't Grandma.
When he got to our house, Grand-daddy would almost always go out to our garage with my daddy. before he made it to the garage, he always stopped at his car first. He would grab a sack and continue to the garage. I would had watched him do this for several months, because I made up my mind to find out what he was doing.
One Saturday he came up and sure enough Grand-daddy said, "Hey Bill, let's go outside." and away they went. My mission was in progress. They went out and closed the door behind them. I waited for them to corner the house, and I stepped out and peeked around the corner of the house. I watched him go to his car, grab his secret bag, and give a quick look around, and into the garage he went. Our driveway was covered with pebbles, so i knew I had to tiptoe slowly to the garage door, so not to be heard. When I reached my destination, I got down on my hands and knees and peeked inside. There was Grand-daddy getting into that secret bag. PUTTCHAA. I heard a can open. As he turned around guzzling it's contents, I read the red letters on the side, Budweiser.
(Daddy and Grand-daddy)
"Oh my goodness, Grand-daddy is drinkiiinnnn," I thought to myself. I jumped up, went into where he was just as "Ahhh!", was coming out of his mouth. "Grand-daddy, I'm telling Lona your drinking beer." he just looked at me like I was two instead of the mature nine-year-old I thought I was. Then, turned his gaze to my daddy. Daddy came over to me and said, "Billi, you don't have to say anything to Lona, because then Grand-daddy will get in trouble and I am sure you don't want that to happen."
"O.K., I won't, " I said, "but he really shouldn't be drinking Daddy, you said it is a bad thing." I then turned and walked out not even giving Grand-daddy a look. That day Grand-daddy didn't say bye to me, nor did he treat me the same way, at least in my heart he didn't.
Seven years later, age 16 now, I was told by my mother that my Grand-daddy use to be an alcoholic. this is news that I already figured out, but still it shocked my heart all the same. Grand-daddy still did his normal trips to the garage or to Daddy's garden or anywhere else his habit would take him. Don't get me wrong, he may have had a drinking problem, but he was still Grand-daddy, and he was still a great guy, just he was Grand-daddy that drank too much beer. And still, I felt things weren't the same between us. We never really said anything but hi or Bye on our way past each other.
Now, here I sit in a corner years later. In a corner of a hospital room where my Grand-daddy is lying in a bed dying of prostate cancer. Mom and Daddy were there so I didn't have to really talk to him. I couldn't, I didn't know what to say. "Hope you feel better?" "Sorry I was such a brat?" "Why didn't you ever talk to me?" No, nothing appropriate came to mind. All I knew was my Grand-daddy was dying and I couldn't wait to get out of there. I hated seeing him like that. I wanted him out in that garage with his secret bag.
( Grand-Daddy's first time in the hospital after finding he had cancer)
Mom said it was time for us to go but Daddy would come back up after he ate and bathed. And Grand-daddy just blinked and nodded as best as he could. I just smiled at him and said, "Bye Grand-daddy. I will probably see you tomorrow." And off I went. Stepped out into the hall and took a deep breath. It was over and I wouldn't have to deal with seeing him again until tomorrow.
We pulled up in the driveway, went in and Mom started Daddy's dinner so he could go back. Daddy's dinner was almost done when the phone rang.
"Is this Mrs. M.?", the woman on the other end asked.
"No, this is B., her daughter."
"Oh, can I speak with your dad B.?"
"Sure, may I ask who is calling?"
"This is Mary at Saint Elizabeth hospital."
"Just a minute."
Dad got on the phone and said, "O.K. I will be there as soon as I can."
"What is it Bill?" mom asked.
"They said that Dad is asking for me and they said maybe I should come. Sue go on down there and I will be right behind you. Tell Dad I'm on my way. I need to use the bathroom and clean up a bit."
Mom asked me to go with her so she didn't have to drive alone in the dark. So here I go again. I just felt bad not having anything to say to him. We got to the hospital and a nurse met us at Grand-daddy's door.
Mrs. M., I'm sorry but Clarence passed away about 10 minutes ago."
That was all I heard as i threw down my purse and went running. As I rounded the corner of the hall I ran right into my daddy's chest, tears flowing down my cheeks. Daddy looked at me and he knew what my face was telling him. That was the only time I have ever seen my daddy run. I followed him back to the room and I stopped at the door. I wiped my face, took a deep breath and walked in, straight to that chair in the corner I sat at earlier that day. I looked at Mom. Crying she reached down and kissed his cheek. "Bye dad, I love you."
Then there was my daddy. Standing there with a look of disbelief, grabbed his father's hand, kissed his forehead, telling him he loved him and would miss him. The sadness on my daddy's face, I have never seen that look since. His daddy was gone. then there was me. I couldn't even look at Grand-daddy 'dead', let alone tell him anything. I mean I said it all in my head, but not to him.
A week later I went to the garage and stepped inside the apartment my daddy built for my sister and I. I sat there in the dark thinking, why in the world didn't I say goodbye. Why couldn't I say I loved him? Next ting I knew I was fast asleep on the couch. All of a sudden my light came on, looked over and there stood my Grand-daddy under it smiling at me. He said to me, "Don't get up." he walked over to me and sat down at the side of me. he stroked my hair at my forehead still smiling and said, "B., everything is fine. I left knowing you loved me." he touched my chest at my heart and closed his eyes and continued, "Right here is where I am now, so I can feel the love you have for me. Tell all I am happy and I love them, and I Love You." He got up, still smiling, turned and walked out the door. The light went off and I woke up. At that moment of waking up, I smelled him, still felt his touch and sensed that Grand-daddy was really there. From that day on I never worried again. My mind was at ease and I knew he knew I loved him and I was so truly sorry.
So whether it was a dream, real or out of guilt, I guess it was my way of getting some kind of closure between him and I. But whatever it was, I know to this day, Grand-daddy feels the love that I could never express in words.
B.
2 comments:
oh my gosh... i wrote this big looong comment and hit Post Comment but then didn't type in those crazy words and just went on to the next blog. Ok let me start over...
Not many people know this but my step dad was an alcoholic. He never would admit to having a problem until I couldn't take it and decided to move out of the house. That liked to have killed him. So he turned himself in to a rehabilitation facility and got help. He had one relapse and has been sober now for 15 years. And is now a mentor for others.
I learned a lot from all the family meetings about enablers. There are people out there that want to see the alcoholic happy. So they help them drink. My Mom was one. She was in fear that he would leave her if she put her foot down. Now me, I didn't care. I called him out on it all the time. But to this day we have a great relationship. He treats me like I was his own daughter. I'm telling you this because I know that your grandfather loved you. He was just embarrassed in front of you cause he knew he was disappointing you.
I too had an encounter with my grandfather in a dream. I woke up knowing that he was there with me. It made me cry even more but it was a nice feeling all in the same. I've had other encounters with my grandmother (his wife) over the years while working. she was a hairdresser. When I get in a tough spot she's helped me out numerous times. I know God had a hand in it too but I don't think God knows color formulations too well. lol I just feel her presence there with me and it's so nice.
That is a fantastic story! I am so happy that he is sober and has gotten help and now helping others. That takes a strong person. My daddy was an alcoholic too. Kicked the habit several times through the years, and now for good. He was also a drug addict. But that is another story for another day =)
As for the vision of your grandfather and grandmother, that is a blessing! I haven't had any other encounters like that. But everyone in my family knew, back then, I was scared of my own shadow. That is why I think my Grand-daddy came in my dream, as not to scare me.
LOL @ God not knowing much about color formulations. That made me giggle. She is there with you, I always say if you can feel it, it is true. Sometimes my door will just fly open for no reason. Has happened everywhere I live. Everytime it does I just stop and look and say...Hello Grand-daddy...glad you found me. =)
Post a Comment