Angry

I am having a really rough morning and it is only 7 am as I write this.  Since I am still not sleeping right, I find myself, angry all the time.  I get angry if the mailman is late, if the kids even look at me the wrong way, if my husband says something I take it out of context...  I don't know how to stop myself.

This morning the kids woke late.  My daughter was just take her sweet and easy time getting ready.  I asked her to please step up the pace and pretend she had someplace to go.  She turns around and screams at me and says, I'M TRYING.  Now I cannot explain to you the color of red that flashed in front of me.  It took everything in my power to stop from back handing her. 

Let me explain this.  My daughter is at the tender age of 14.  She has discovered friends, Chats and the telephone.  I feel like I have not spoken with her in months.  The only time we seem to speak is when she has a chip on her shoulder and we end up yelling.  Well, she will yell and I will tell her she better remember who she is talking to.  She is snapping at me and her dad like we are so far beneath her it would take us a year to come up to her level.  I understand some of this...for I once was a 14 year old teenager, that thought I knew everything..but I am coming to the end of the rope.

She proceeds to get up and get ready at a very slow pace.  She has already missed one day last week and another this week, and I was not letting them miss again.  Missing not because of being late, but because of being ill.  She has registration today for high school and they both have tests today, so getting them out the door was of most importance to me.  While they are looking for the shoes they came through the door yesterday and kicked off where they wanted, I went in to sit on the side of the bed to try and gather myself.

I could spend my every waking moment cleaning up after these kids.  At 13 and 14 you would think they would have the cleaning up after themselves down to a tee.  Not my children.  They come home from school, throw down their bookbags, kick off their shoes, go to the kitchen and get a snack, leave their mess (bread open, pb&j left out...) and then stumble off to their video games or computer and telephone.  Then when I become unhinged and start yelling, I am the biggest bitch in the world.  Mind you, this is a daily thing and I can't for the life of me get them to come out of it.

So while I am sitting on my bed, trying to calm myself so I don't knock my daughter to another universe, their dad goes out and tries smooth things out.  He then comes into me and says, If they don't make it you can't be upset...then...Try to remember what it was like when you were their age and your mom tried to get you up from over sleeping.

REALLY?!?!  Gee Rob, let me ponder that for a moment, shall I.  Oh yeah I remember...nobody cared if I over slept.  If I did it was an oh well.  That is why I had to drop out of school because I didn't have enough credits to graduate until I was 21.  That is why I missed upwards of 40 something school days in one year.  Maybe had someone cared enough to make my ass get up and out the door, I wouldn't have dropped out and maybe...Oh just maybe I could have made something of myself.  ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO REMEMBER!

So, they are now at school and I sitting here, still angry.  It isn't so much that they got up late.  I was dealing.  It is the fact that my 14 year old is yelling at me every single day now.  And I am scared that I am going to lose my temper, and not be able to check it before I haul off and give her the what for.  That's why I am angry.  I don't EVER want to hurt my children.  Between, them, not sleeping, unhappy with this place and seeing dread at my every turn...It's is driving me to the crazy house.  I use to be like this years ago.  When the kids were younger and since they were so close in age, I felt like they were defeating me.  And everyday I was yelling and screaming and in a bad mood.  I feel myself getting to that point again.  Usually I am always the one trying to calm everyone, trying to smile and play the inbetween man.  I like peace, I really and truly do.  But now, I have become the villian...and I don't like this role.

B