Have I Lived?

Laying in bed last night while the rest of the free world was watching the Royal Wedding, I was thinking of my life.  Thinking of things I have done and haven't, the things I have said and things I should have.  It got me wondering...Have I lived my life, or merely survived it?

I started to think about the places I have been.  I have lived in a lot of different places in the last 15 years of my life.  There was Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, back to Ohio, Alabama, Back to Ohio, several Towns in Ohio, Florida, now Georgia.  That is a lot of moving around.  I have owned a few homes and sold them to move on to the next place.  I have rented a fair share as well.  In all of my travels I haven't been able to settle down.  Why?  I have no clue.  I love the adventures my life has taken me on.  I get bored easily and to be able to just pack up and leave it all behind when I want a fresh start is something of enjoyment to me.  I know a lot of people do not understand this type of behavior, but I am not asking anyone to understand it.  I met friends, and I have left them, I have had jobs, and left them, I have even had my share of some decent money and left it.  So why do I get so bored? 

The picking up and moving to a fresh start is something that thrills me.  I mean, it feels as though it is the only thing I have left that will ever have that new feel to it.  I am with my spouse of 15 years, a man that I love so dearly, so I will never again feel the newness, that feeling of what it is like to start a new relationship.  The feeling of walking around on a cloud.  Don't get me wrong, I still feel the weakness in my knees when my husband kisses me...but sometimes...I just wish I could find that look in his eyes..that look he had when we first met. 

I will never again feel the newness of a baby in my arms, and looking into it's eyes and making new promises that I will always be there for it.  The excitement that comes with being with child.  The glow, the amazement, the feelings.

So the newness of moving is something I can control.  I have forgotten where I was going with this...lol.  I get to thinking and my mind fly's away at a speed of 150mph or more.

Life, bored..Ok...back on track now.  Part of me feels I am trying to find life.  I am looking for that one place that I can actually Live...instead of surviving.

I have only been on one two vacations with my family.  Yeah, I know, moving as much as we do that is a vacation in itself..but it's not the same thing.  One of those vacations was to Buena Vista, Colorado.  Did I enjoy the trip?  I did, I enjoyed looking at the huge mountains, that at the time I have never seen before and seeing all the amazing sights...but still...we didn't actually get to live it up there.  It was a business trip and not a pleasure trip.  I had two babies in the back seat..who were very good, I must say..but we didn't get to go rafting or hiking or eat at fantastic restaurants.  No, it was a hotel and senic view.

The other was to Canada.  Now, this was so very much fun for me.  My husband and I went for our 7th year anniversary weekend.  My husband took me on a huge ship that took us to a little island, we like to call Our Island, called PeLee Island.

This was a beautiful little place, yes there is a but... But when we went, it was freezing that day.  The wind felt like knives cutting threw us.  We decided that since it was just a little tourest island, we would not take our car over on the ship.  We would rent a bike or something.  On the main island it was not freezing, so we took no coats, no gloves, no nothing.  So we get there and the bike place was closed because it was so cold.  We called for a taxi, but the price was like $18.00 per head, but since it was a bus and not a taxi, the price was going to increase if others didn't want to join us.  So, we got to nothing.  The vineyard was closed.  So we sat inside a little restaurant as long as we could, and then out by the water....4 hours..to wait until the ship came back for us.  But, although it was a desaster...I loved spending the time alone in a new place with my husband.

So that's it.  Those are the only two.  I also look at living in Florida for a year was sort of like a vacation, but it was still too much surviving to really enjoy all that Flordia had to offer.  But, I did get to see the Dolphins that I so dearly love and the ocean for the first time at age 37. 

But I now want to live my life.  I want to have beautiful, fun vacations with my children.  I want to own a home that my kids and grandkids can come to on Christmas.  I want to make traditions.  I want nice things.  I want to get to know my neighbors and make friends that I have long into my old age.  I want to go to a Honky Tonk and let my hair down and dance all night long.  I want to be so busy during my day that I collapse from all the fun I have had.  I want to go skating!  I want to go on a senic drive because I want to..not because it is the only thing we can afford.  I want to travel.  I wanna go to a weekend concert. I want to take a cooking class.  I want to bake huge cakes.  I wanna fly in an airplane.  I WANT TO LIVE DAMN IT!  I don't want to be comfortable anymore.  Comfortable is nice, yes, but I want it when I have had just too much of the world!!!!

Have I lived...no.  I have only survived.