Hurt...

I heard something today from someone.  This someone I hold very dear to me.  What he said, I will forever hear in my head.  He said, I don't lead my children by example.  He has hurt me.  I am not angry.  Simply hurt.  How could he say such a thing to me.  To me, of all people.  I am a woman that has been with her children every second of every day of their life, besides school.  I punish them, I hug them, I lecture them, I nurture them.  These children that I have gave up my life for, to be at home with them.  These children that do have their share of issues, normal issues.  These children that are so polite to other people, these children that wear their hearts on their sleeves.  They are well mannered, healthy, kind, generous and loving.  These are the children that I helped mold.  No, mostly molded.  How dare he hurt me like this.  How dare he put those words in my head. 

(My beautiful daughter Beth..who has issues but all in all is a good girl)

 (My sweet beautiful Madison...who is the closest thing to perfect I know)

(My son Mitch..who is so handsome..who has issues but is so very loving and kind)

I grew up believing that people say things in anger.  And even though they are said out of anger, there is always a bit of truth behind them all.  I also know that people say things they can never take back.  He says he is sorry.  In a way I know he is, but he said it.  It is out there.  And he has planted that seed in my head.  I have begun to doubt my every move with my children.  Have a failed them in some way?  I don't claim to be a perfect parent, and Lord knows I have my faults, but I have only doubted my parenting skills one time in my whole life.  And just when I start to get over it, one group of words from someone you love, can make them all come flooding back. 

I say to those of you listening, be careful of what you say to loved ones out of anger.  Be angry about what it is you became angry for, and never meld into the problem with something that has been on your mind for awhile.  Instead if there is something that you feel you must say to someone, something they may not like, don't say it in anger.  Sit them down, talk with them about your feelings or concerns, before they come out in words that are hateful.  They hurt so badly. 

I don't even know if he truly understands what he has done.  And I will forgive him, in time.  But I will never be able to forget.  I have been hurt so much, mentally and physically my entire life.  But to be hurt by someone you love so very much, it's different.  It is a pain that isn't any different them someone punching you in the heart. 

So...I smoked today.  Guess the new ritual wont start for a couple of days.  Not until I can go on and pretend like nothing happened....once more.

B