My Mama

Someone I haven't talked about before on here is my mama.

My mama has had a very hard life.  She grew up in a divided home.  My grand-dad was a wonderful man.  He meant the world to both my mother and I.  I think I was my grand-dad's favorite because I reminded him so much of my mama when she was younger.  He loved her dearly.  My grandma, bless her heart, wasn't a very good mother to her, in her younger days.  Grandma was, what some would call, a free spirit.  She cared more for men in her younger days then her children.  But I do have to say, that she tried to make up for it when my mom got older.  And even tho they weren't that close when she was growing up, they got really close when she grew up.

My mama hasn't had the best life a woman could have.  My daddy, though you all know how much I adore and love this man, didn't make it easy on mama.  We were very poor growing up.  There was 8 of us living in a small 2 bedroom trailer for a long time.  Daddy loved Mama, and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't give her all the things she wanted or deserved for that matter. 

Daddy was very strict on us kids, some more then others.  He believed that you have to raise a kid according to their personalities and not raise them all the same.  No that don't sound right, cause we all were raised the same, but he treated each kid to their personalities.  Well because he was strict on some and not others, it caused friction between us all.  And poor mama would be put in the middle of it all.  She would hear all the complaining about daddy and she would try to make up for it.  She would try to baby us.  Comfort us.  And sometimes she would talk to daddy about it, and well that just wouldn't go over too well.

When I was a kid, lets say around 14 or so, I became very disrespectful to my mama.  I would yell at her and talk back.  She never scared me.  Until the age of around 16, my mama gave me the what for and I tell you..I deserved it.  She just couldn't take it anymore and she brought her hand back, and landed it right upside my mouth.  From that day on, my mom became one of my best friends.  Something changed that day.  I seen her through different eyes. 

My mama and I became so close.  She and I was always together.  She couldn't go someplace without me.  When I got married the first time, she was always at my house or I at hers.  And if we weren't together we were on the phone. 

When I got pregnant with my oldest daughter it was by my first husband.  When he kicked me out, I was 8 months pregnant.  My mama was right there for me with arms held out to take me and my baby in.  When I went into labor with my daughter my mom stayed up all night long watching me until it was time to take me to the hospital.  I sit here and cry thinking about how close we were.  I miss my mama.

She later on lost my granddaddy and something in my mama changed.  We were still very close but she just wasn't the same.  Understandably so too.  Her Father was everything to her.  I soon after that got married again, and I left her as well.  Not only me this time...but I took my daughter too.  Mama didn't handle that too well.  She loved my daughter as her own, and she didn't feel she was losing one daughter, it felt like two.  To make matters even worse, she didn't like my husband.  Mama and my husband has had some of the worst arguements.  And this killed me.  I was always, ALWAYS, put in the middle of it all. 

Mama decided she needed to go back to work.  She went to work for Wal-Mart and she loved it.  She, for the first time since I was a small child, finally got to get out of the house and away from it all.  She worked there for 3 years I believe, but my father fell very ill and she had to stop working again.  Mama took this very badly.  Mama changed after working.  She no longer was the mama that I knew.  Some for the bad and some for the good.  She was more independant, more confident, more out spoken...and this is where she and I became not as close as before.

See mama and I haven't talked now for about 4 years.  I mean we have talked, but not REALLY REALLY Talked in about 4 years.  See my husband and my mama got into a huge fight.  Both of them saying things that shouldn't have been said.  I again in the middle try to defend each that I love.  This was a losing fight.  I tried so very hard.  I just couldn't do it anymore...so I let them both go at it.  I felt so far away from both of them...they both became people I didn't know.  I seen sides to both of them that I didn't like.  So I knew that, that would be the last time they saw each other...and I was right.  They have not talked or laid eyes on each other since.

I didn't talk to mama a long time after that.  But she doesn't know that I really never talked to my husband much after that either.  I was mad at both of them.  Because as much as they hated each other..they both still had something in common they loved and meant something to both of them...ME.

During that same year, a lot of stuff happened.  OMG, the mess that was created.  My daughter left home, my husband left home, I was alone with two small children and I felt so totally alone.  My daughter blamed my husband, my husband blamed my mama and it was a total mess.  During this time, some things were said from my mama that, I do forgive now, but I have a hard time forgetting.  She said some not so true things, and one of the biggest things I have a hard time forgetting is she wont tell my child she knows she lied.  Mama will tell me, but she wont tell her.  So my child thinks everyone is backing her up and believes her..which makes me look like the bad guy in my child's eyes.  That hurts me.  I forgive the lies that were told.  Some of the things she don't even remember saying.  But thats ok.  I remember enough for the both of us.  I remember because it was my life that was taken away.  That's my problem...I can't forget. 

So I sit here and type all this because I miss her so.  My mama.  I miss her laugh.  I miss her jokes, I even miss that cowardly lion impression..lol.  But I know, as long as I love my husband, and as long as I can't forget, things will never be as before.  I miss how simple life use to be.  I wish that mama and my husband could love me as much as they hate each other. 

Mama if you happen to read this..please know that it isn't my husband keeping me from you.  It is I that must keep myself away.  I can't be put in the middle any longer.  I love you both, and to see the harm you two do to each other, I can't allow it.  I know you hate him...but mama you never did know what I know about him.  He isn't perfect...God I will be the first to say it...but he isn't the monster you make him out to be.  And I say the same to him.  He don't know you as I know you.  If either of you were monsters, I wouldn't love either of you.  I still to this day defend you to him, as I would defend him to you.  But I can't keep living to defend you two.  He is a good man, or I wouldn't be here.  And know that he did at one time love you as a mother.  I miss and love you..and you will always be my mommy.

B