Brushed by the hand of God

I went for a walk this evening, up toward the mountain through the forest.  Such beauty.  Looking all around at all the wonders...the lush grassy floor, the stream, the different plants just starting to bloom.  I am blessed to have such art brushed by the hand of God, right outside my back door.

I wanted to just take pictures of everything.  Everywhere I turned there was something more beautiful.  I feel closer to God begin out there.  Looking at all those things, it is my sign from Him that He is indeed there, watching over me. 

My husband and I sat down yesterday morning and had a nice long talk.  A talk that I needed so very badly.  I have lost my way in a large degree.  I remember when I was younger, God's light shown through me.  I was so close to him.  When I got saved, oh that feeling that you can just float, it was the best feeling.  Unlike anything I can really explain.  I don't feel that feeling anymore.  I know I have lost my inner light.  So he and I talked about finding our way again.  I am going to start looking for a little church.  It has to be a little one, with my fear of people, which is a whole nother blog, it has to be as small as possible.  I am ready to get back on the right track.  I miss it.

I was telling my husband that I feel that Satin has just completely taken me over.  He asked me why and I was ashamed of my answer.  I didn't want to tell him.  But I began to explain...

If you have read any of my earlier posts, you will know I am not an avid sleeper.  Sleep for me is far and in between.  I lay in bed thinking of everything from my graying hair to the worlds problems.  In this time I will stop my thinking and begin to pray sometimes.  And in the middle of those prayers, I fall right off to sleep without a moments notice.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is the Devil putting me right to sleep, keeping me from speaking with God.  The bad part is, that sometimes I am so completely exhausted and not thinking straight, I will begin to pray, just because I KNOW I will fall off to sleep.  For this I hate myself.

I am now back on a prayer routine, and instead of just laying there praying, I will either speak the prayer allowed, or kneel at my bedside to assure myself of not falling asleep.

Now I know Satin will be working harder on me now then ever before, because he knows I am getting closer to God.  So I still have a major battle ahead of me.  But at least now I know I am in the battlefield with my God, instead of in a mine field with Satin.