Home Sick

I woke this morning with incrediable pain in my heart.  I had been crying in my sleep.  This made no sense to me on waking, until I tried to remember my dream.

In my dream everyone I have ever known was around me.  Ones from my past and my present, dead and alive.  I remember looking upon their faces and crying.  Then I realized it was a place that was fimilar to me.  Home...

The way things use to be, mama was there with a big smile and looked so happy to see me.  Daddy's face was stern but love filled his eyes. My sister, my brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, cousins.  They all looked like they did...when we were a family.

I am so very home sick.  I don't even know if home sick is the right words, but I miss people.  Not just any people, but the people that use to love me.  I use to be so very loved.  To lose a loved one is hard, but to lose every single person you have loved for 38 years is devastating.

I long to see a fimilar face.  This is the longest I have ever went my entire life without seeing someone I know.  I don't know anyone anymore.  I see three faces every single day, and don't get me wrong, I love those 3 beautiful faces...but I need a new, old face.  I need someone to hug me, someone to just really hug me til I feel I wont be able to breath.  I need someone to look me in the eye and tell me how they have missed me...and mean it.

Seems like I always talk the same stuff on here.  I have nobody else to talk to.  I guess I keep hoping that someone out there will respond, and tell me they know what I am going through.  Even though I know I am not the only one, sometimes I just can't help but feel like I am the only one that has ever gone through this because I can't really explain my emotions to make people truely understand.

I want to be a little girl again.  I want to wake in the morning to my mama in the kitchen cooking for her family of 8 with love in every spoon stoke.  To daddy hollering at my mama to make him a cup of coffee.  He never could get out of bed until that first cup.  And every morning for 39 years she would have it ready to take to him.  I wan't to sit at the breakfast table with all 5 of my brother's and sisters.  I want Joey to steal my sausage from my plate because mine lasted the longest.  We would all see who could make our sausage last the longest cause it was a treat for us.  And Joey would steal from everyone's plate..lol.  He had too...if you would have seen him, it took a lot of food for that Giant.  I want John Paul to grunt at me instead of talking because we waited on him hand and foot and he didn't need to talk.  I want Phillip singing "Killing Time" and playing along on the broom.  And Autum...I will just take her at anytime our life together.  She was fun.

Ah, but time changes, people are lost, and time goes on...sometimes...without you.  My family just had a big party and my brother said they were doing Karaokee and he missed me.  I was always the entertainment for the family.  It was something I did, and I thought it was something that I couldn't be replaced doing, but I guess I was..cause they had fun, and it was without me.  I am glad they had fun, and I am glad they had everyone around them...I just wish I was there to see it.

B