An Apology

Dear Daddy,

I must write an apology letter to someone as part of my goals and I am going to write it to you.  This letter is long over due.

I have a lot to say to you Daddy and a lot of things to apologize for.  This is going to be very hard for me so please bare with me. 

The first thing I need to apologize for is not being the perfect daughter.  So many times I could have tried harder, could have done more. 

I need to also to apologize for this next thing and explain because I know you don't understand.  I am sorry for staying away and not calling you.  I know you don't know why really and I am not sure I can explain it right but I am going to try.

Daddy I know you have probably heard that I stay away because of how Mom feels about my husband, but I am telling you now daddy, that isn't true.  Lord knows, you have probably heard a lot worse then that, and I can pretty much tell you none of it is true.  I don't come around or call anymore because three of my siblings have said and done some pretty awful things that I can't forget.  I have tried so hard Daddy, I really have.  And even though I forgive them and mama, I still hurt from it all.  Let me break it down like this.

Daddy when my daughter did what she did, it tore my whole life apart.  It hasn't since, nor will ever be the same.  A part of me has died Daddy.  I have tried every spell in the book to make it live again, and I have failed.  Mama and three of my siblings helped kill a part of me.  Daddy none of them told the truth when it needed to be said.  Sure they all said sorry afterwards and they all said they didn't believe her AFTERWARDS, but by then it was just too late, the damage had been done.  And it is the fact that they still haven't told her they don't believe her.  They let her go on thinking that they believe her.  It's not right Dad.  The times that I have called, you were either in bed or I went through the hurt of mama never talking to me and just handing the phone over to you.  Never to ask me how I am.  Nobody from the family has once asked me how I am doing.  Dad it hurts, cause I am not fine, I am not even OK.  I am pretty messed up on the inside and nobody knows it but me.  I struggle everyday with it all.  On the outside, I smile and I go on as if nothing were wrong, but on the inside I ache, on the inside I want to lay down and never wake up. 

So I am sorry Daddy, it is nothing you have done. Hell I am positive you don't know even half of everything they have said and done.  Your illness don't allow you to remember a lot.  I am sorry I am not there for you.  I will forever hate myself for that, but to put it all behind me, I have to move on and not look back.  It sure is easier said then done.  Cause I miss you so.  You have been the only one in the family on my side my whole life.  You, daddy, are such a big part of who I am, and it is your goodness inside of me that DOES keep me going.  Your teachings, your life, your words always stay with me, within me.  There isn't a day that passes that you are not a thought to me.  I talk to you and Grand-daddy all the time.  At night, I pray that God let's you hear me.  Let's your heart feel the love I have for you. 

I know that you are very ill now.  In a large way I am thankful I am not there, so I can remember you as you were.  Please forgive me, please, so I can start forgiving myself...

Your namesake,
Billi